Marco Pierre White on St Jamie..

“If everyone could afford organic, we’d go and buy organic, but there are a lot of families in this country who can’t. I only object when I see certain individuals condemning certain methods of farming for a few column inches.

Jamie [Oliver] does enough things for the wrong reasons, doesn’t he? I’m not trying to be controversial, I think if you’re going to do something, then put your weight behind it.

Don’t do it for a few column inches to try and capitalise on it.”

Article

The words of Marco Pierre White last week, but we couldn’t agree more. 

The blatant self promotion and opportunism of bogus campaigns like Jamie’s Ministry of Food divert attention from the real underlying issues.

Pierre White also defended Delia Smith’s recent back-to-basics cookery show and called for her to be made a Dame. A marked contrast from the attitude of Jamie Oliver. Last month he talked about Delia’s show in mocking terms. Could it be that our saviour is worried that Delia’s simple recipes using easy to get hold of ingredients will harm the sales of-  Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008.

I thought it was supposed to be “a movement” to get a lost generation cooking. It seems that Jamie is only interested if it is all about him and his bank balance.

Jamie Oliver Is Like….

“TV CHEF Jamie Oliver was yesterday named the celebrity boss we’d most like to work for.
His laid-back attitude saw him win 13 per cent of the vote, beating fictional chocolate factory owner Willie Wonka and Apprentice boss Sir Alan Sugar.

Fourth place in the study of 4000 Brits by onepoll.com went to Only Fools And Horses favorite Del Boy, followed by Life On Mars copper DCI Gene Hunt. “

Source: www.dailyrecord.co.uk

What depresses you most about that ‘news’ item?

The confirmation that we live in a celeb dominated moron-arama that enables this to get in the paper? That the distortion of reality TV means the line between fictional characters and real people has disappeared in the minds of many? That more people would rather work at Fifteen than with the Oompah Loompah next to a chocolate river?

For me- it’s the fact (?) that 4000 people actually gave these mugs the time of day.

To make ourselves more appealing by copying the mass media, jamiegohome.com have decided to conduct our own dumb, celebrity based poll. Like the one above- we will offer a restrictive shortlist to skew the results as we ask the big question:

Which Celeb’ is Jamie Oliver Most Like?

A]

Vicky Pollard

The physical resemblance is amazing- from the puffy cheeks to the misguided idea that trackie tops are trendy. Add the petulance, unconvincing accent, gormless stare and propensity to gabble a load of cack on any subject and it looks like a separated at birth job.

B]

Gordon Ramsay

As a TV chef who swears a lot in an unconvincing attempt to look hard and who milks every last penny out of a product- Ramsay has plenty in common with Jamie. The similarities pretty much end there.  After all, Ramsay is a genuinely talented chef who has built up a string of well regarded restaurants. Jamie has never run a top class kitchen and his career has been based on the strange appeal he holds for middle aged women and retired homosexual clergymen.

C]

Damon Albarn

Another tight trackie top wearer who shot to fame in the Nineties. Another outer Essex person who based his persona on being a streetwise Cock-er-nee. The fake Dick Van Dyke act soon got old- but he then became even more tiresome when he went serious. Invented African music in the same way that Jamie invented Italian cookery.

D]

Master Sergeant Ernie Bilko

In a classic episode of the show; ace operator Bilko has a problem. The other sergeants- who he regularly cons money from- have had enough. With his main source of income cut off- Bilko leases an empty store in the nearby town of Roseville.  Even though there is no visible activity- the place becomes the talk of the mess: ‘Bilko must be up to something’. The mug punter sergeants can’t help themselves. Convinced that Bilko has a sure fire winner up his sleeve, they pool their savings to rent out other properties on the block causing a mini real estate boom.

Bilko sells his lease for a fat profit- leaving them with nothing as usual. They ignored the evidence that everything Bilko ever did before had no substance and was a charade aimed at lining his own pockets. A former empty travel agents shop on the corner of All Saints Square, Rotherham is being used for the remake.

E]

Sharon Osbourne

Very much a bit part player with very little in the way of talent. Pushed her way in front  of the camera and displayed a willingness to turn her life into a reality show- even if it had a negative effect on members of her family. Was marketed as an expert on subjects she actually had very little knowledge of. A deep abiding love for a pound note and star of sickening supermarket ad’s.

F]

Jeremy Kyle

A complete wanker.

Send your vote to jogonyfc@mail.com .

Anyone who comes up with original suggestions or just general abuse may be eligible for being bought a pint in the Rotherham pub of your choice.

No Blackmail

 

 

Bitter End

Monday was a big day for Jamie Oliver. It was the official opening of the Ministry of Food HQ in Rotherham. Not that it has made much difference.

Anyone who spends time in Rotherham town centre will be aware that, over the last few weeks, the shop has had the odd manic burst of activity already. Whenever the Pukka cooker pops in for an hour- the place is a hive of action; packed with punters and camera crew. I’m always reading bits in the press about how he is working tirelessly on the project. I can only assume that, in Jamiespeak, tirelessly is another word for Tuesdays. The rest of the time- there are just a couple of bored looking women in there staring out of the window.

Yesterday was Chicken Chow Mein class at 10 am, then Fish Pie class at 2 pm. Funny times, don’t you think. For a campaign that’s aimed at “ordinary people”, it’s almost as though they don’t want people with ordinary jobs to turn up. I’m sure the production company would be very disappointed if just a load of dole wallahs turned up. Surely that’s not what they came to Rotherham looking for.

Monday must have been bitter / sweet for Jamie. On the one hand- his latest crusade is getting into gear. On the other hand- one of his previous campaigns had been declared an abject disaster.

Jamie’s School Dinners pushed the issue of school meals to the head of political agenda. Monday saw the official confirmation that the whole project was a failure.

The Local Authority Caterers Association (LACA) sent an open letter to Children’s Minister Ed Balls telling him that school dinners in their current form were unsustainable.

Take up of meals in primary schools fell to just 41 per cent last year. The figures for secondary schools, at 38 per cent, were even worse. LACA vice chairman Neil Porter described dining halls as: “like restaurants with no customers“. He went on:

“Kids don’t like the new healthy hot meals and they are voting with their feet.”

Oliver has effectively solved the problem of poor school dinners by eliminating them altogether. He has got rid of a common cold by killing the patient.

Different newspapers had various views on who is to blame. The government came in for plenty of stick for not providing sufficient funding. The fact is – they were bounced into agreeing to the new dinners after Jamie Oliver’s TV show. Perhaps after a more consideration- they identified more effective ways of improving children’s health.

The statistics tell us that the new dinners cost more and kids simply are not eating the food on offer. LACA and Oliver have solutions to the problem they have created. LACA want the Government to come up with an extra 50p per meal to improve ingredients and provide funds to build 4,025 kitchens. It says the full package would cost £291million a year, including pay for kitchen staff to work longer hours to produce fresh food.

This is the kind of business logic you hear from people who are not in business and spend other people’s dosh.

-We have a product that our customers hate and is costing us a fortune. We think we should spend even more money to position our product even further away from what we know our customers like.
No way are the government going to pay- and parents won’t either. At the moment- dinners at my local school cost £8 a week. If you’ve got three kids- that works out at £96 every four weeks. A big lump out of your monthly wage. Even bigger if it’s going on stuff your kids chuck straight in the slop tray.

Jamie Oliver has been outspoken on the corrupt nature of the current arrangements. He has claimed that private companies claim to be losing money on dinners, while at the same time stuffing bundles of cash into holding companies. As with all Oliver claims- he offers no corroborating evidence whatsoever. All soundbite- no bite.

He is also furious at the government:

“The government has not ring-fenced that money. Schools could just as easily buy computers and books in that case.”

So what? I would rather they spent the money on basketballs, boxing gloves and dance teachers. I think they would improve health, fitness and discipline more than uneaten dinners. At the end of the day though- I’m not going to complain about a school using scarce resources to fund books and computers before Feta cheese.

More relevant to the Rotherham project is this attitude expressed in the LACA statement.

“More emphasis has been placed on better nutritional standards but the pupils do not like it. In order to maintain and achieve what we are trying to do with the school meals service we have got to reduce the choice available to them.”

Here we have another case of the great and good dictating what is right for THOSE people. In this case THOSE people are children. Jamie and his buddies know what is good for THEM, and they will have it if they like it or not. There is no allowance for any personal choice or acknowledgement that there is another point of view.

School dinners are not being eaten. The conclusion they come to- reduce choice. Ban outside food and vet pack lunches to make sure they are on message. They do as we say or they starve. What kind of regime does this sound like to you?

The Minister of Propaganda for the Supernanny state has now set up shop in our town. Oliver is turning into the Bryan Robson of campaigning. Each time he fails- he comes back convinced of his ability to get it right next time. So after pushing the sales of factory farmed chicken through the roof and killing off school dinners- he’s sharing his expertise with us.

This time- the whole thing has far less substance. With a false premise, no clear objectives and some very dodgy reasoning- this is much more obviously an entertainment show. One thing is certain. It is set in Rotherham, so it is clearly about THOSE people. THOSE idiots who don’t have exactly the same beliefs as WE (Middle England) dictate. They may even subtitle us to make the point.

The disastrous knock on effects of Jamie’s School Dinners are only now being felt. Turning back is never an option to fanatics. The Middle England “experts” seem to think that the only options are: throw a huge amount of money at the project or bully THOSE idiot kids until they conform.

Will Ministry of Food have the same impact on the political agenda? Remember, it’s set in Rotherham, to make it clear to the audience that it is about THOSE people. Those poor, carefully cast and edited Northern stereotypes. What should we do to make THOSE people fall into line? Limit their choice? How about paying them in vouchers? Vetting their purchases? Fridge searches? Tagging? Chip shop ASBOs? Random breath tests? Fines for the overweight? BMI tax? THOSE people deserve it. I’ve seen them portrayed on a fair and balanced TV documentary. They will not listen to (OUR) reason

This may sound far fetched, but think back a couple of years. Tony Blair allowed the entire school dinners system to be overhauled on the say so of a Vicky Pollard lookalike, Mockney chef. On the run up to an election- who knows how low the politicians will go to put their groping hands up his Kappa top on telly.

Whatever happens- you can be sure that Jamie (estimated fortune £20 million from TV and books) will be eager to get his teeth into another project.

No Blackmail

Jamie Hates You: Part One

“I now reckon that 60% of packed lunches are worse than school dinners. The number of kids as young as five with reheated McDonald’s meals and Red Bull [energy drink] in their packed lunches is appalling,”

Jamie Oliver speaking at the Hay-on-Wye book festival.

Our fave chef was on top tosh talking form at the recent toffs’ gathering on the Welsh border. In the bosom of his true constituency- Jamie could speak freely about his contempt for…well, basically, everybody.

When Jamie Oliver strays into the arena of politics- his views have three consistent threads running through them.

A]

They have no factual basis whatsoever.

B]

He has a deep disrespect for ordinary people. This includes all sections of society, but is most evident when he talks about the working class.

C]

Everything he does or says is motivated by self promotion.

Take the example at the top.

“I now reckon that 60% of packed lunches are worse than school dinners.”

In what way? Nutritional value? Calories? Taste? Smell?  Like most Jamie facts (A.K.A. fiction) this is based on…nothing. The 60% is a made up figure. There is no research sample and no criteria of what is good or bad.

Don’t worry- Jamie’s got some killer evidence to back up his claim.

“The number of kids as young as five with reheated McDonald’s meals and Red Bull [energy drink] in their packed lunches is appalling.”

Shocking, disgraceful. These people are scum. Something must be done.

That’s the knee jerk reaction you are supposed to have.

I have spent a lot of time in and around schools, both primary and secondary, in the last five years. In that time, I have got to know many staff, pupils and parents very well. I have never, repeat never, seen or heard of anyone taking a cold McDonalds meal to school as a packed lunch.

I don’t even know what he means by “reheated McDonald’s meals”. Do parents heat them up in the morning then stick them in a rapidly steaming up Tupperware box? Or do these five year olds strut over to the dinner ladies, hand them a Big Mac and fries and say: ”Whack these under the grill for a minute Love while I nip out for a Benson.”

Please tell me. I’m anxious to know.

Oh. You don’t know either. You’ve never heard of this going on. You must have. Apparently- the number of kids eating this kind of lunch is “appalling”.

It is possible (although unlikely) that this kind of thing happens once in a blue moon. We tend to ravenously gobble up anything that confirms our prejudices. When it is spouted by a self appointed authority on the subject- it is lapped up by a trusting audience. 

Oliver was talking to HIS people. The predominantly middle class target audience who buy his books and watch his shows. If there’s one set of people the middle class hate- it’s everybody who is not middle class (And most other middle class people).  Reheated McDonalds and Red Bull in a packed lunch- custom made to get the heads shaking. Repeat it often enough and it becomes the conventional wisdom. Exactly the kind of thing THOSE people do.

We all hear such lies every day. In the press, I have read separate stories about Asylum Seekers kidnapping donkeys to eat and killing swans for food. Neither scoop contained a single corroborating fact. I am constantly getting told about how the DSS give immigrants free cars, mobile phones, designer clothes and hand job vouchers (redeemable at all good Attercliffe venues). Once you’ve established a stereotype- it sticks. It’s the kind of thing THOSE people would do.

The drip, drip, drip of misinformation leads to the call. Something must be done!

Immigrants: Send ‘em back.

People with an imaginary diet invented by Jamie Oliver: Send Jamie Oliver to make an entertainment show and write a book about it. He solved the problem that he invented with school dinners. OK, some studies suggest he actually made things worse- but we enjoyed watching it. Oh how we laughed when those kids didn’t know what a carrot was.

Thanks to a racist political agenda- people of foreign descent are routinely blamed for the ills of the nation. Any immigrant who complains about negative stereotyping is dismissed as a moaner with chip on his shoulder. Thanks to the pocket-lining agenda of a hamster faced tool; Rotherham will be depicted as a town full of McDonalds reheaters. No doubt- acres of follow up newsprint will show us with chips on our shoulders, plates and cold in our kids’ lunchboxes.

People of Rotherham: This is how it feels to be hated by the ruling class.

Ich bin ein Ausländer in meinem eigenen Land

Je suis un étranger dans mon propre pays

No Blackmail

A Call to Arms

Jerry:       

Again with the sweatpants?

George:    

What? I’m comfortable.

Jerry:      

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’

Seinfeld   View Clip

You see a lot of trackie bottoms round Rotherham. From gangs of young lasses with prams to blokes on the sick with walking sticks- they’ve almost become the town centre uniform. Silent, sullen faces screaming: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’

Is it any wonder they think they can take the piss out of us?

How did it come to this?

Rotherham has a lot to be proud of. The coal and steel industries in this area powered the growth of modern Britain. The cannons at Trafalgar, that blasted the way open for British dominance of international trade, were made in Rotherham and the town provided steel for major engineering projects around the world.

Blokes of my late Grandad’s era worked in conditions that we can barely imagine. Laying in darkness on your back, ripping out coal with a pick, knowing full well the whole shaft could collapse at any minute. When you met old miners- they all had bits missing and coughed up stuff that could put a dent in your lino. It wasn’t much better in the steelworks with the unbearable heat and the molten metal sloshing around. All for just enough dosh to survive. This mob sewing Nike footballs in Indonesia these days don’t know they’re born.

Being up against it brought the best out in the people. Throughout the ages- Rotherham folk have stood up for what’s right. The local boys turned out and organised into a rag tag commando unit to defend the town in the Civil War. They held off the mighty Royalist army for two days till they ran out of ammo.

In the 1800s, the Corn Laws fixed the price of wheat and restricted imports. This maintained the old social order; protecting the interests of the landed gentry and pushing up the price of bread for the urban working class. Ebeneezer Elliot, The Corn Law Rhymer, wrote scathing poems that railed against the hated ‘bread laws’. The Masbrough lad’s works became the anthems of the opposition.

Read about Elliot

Uniting to fight against adversity and exploitation built real pride. Real communities. Miners welfares and working mens’ club to provide entertainment and communal gathering areas. The co-op’s; running outlets to cover every need- from your baby clothes to your coffin and burial plot. The unions; wrenching fair wages and decent conditions from the bosses.

1984. The greatest industrial dispute in modern history started at Cortonwood pit (just) in Rotherham. Once again, a hostile invading army came to town and the local people turned out and battled them for two days at Orgreave.

For a year, a whole year, families went without. The women and kids were at the front, supporting their men. They weren’t after more money- they were standing up for their community. For dignity and self respect. For hope; for themselves and their families. These are not figures from ancient history. You still see these people round town everyday.

Rotherham is a doughnut town, suburbs with a big hole in middle. Globalisation and government policy destroyed the pits and steelworks. The world’s most incompetent local authority made the centre look like an out of season seaside resort. Nothing but boarded up windows, charity shops and people shuffling, looking down. A depressing place that there’s no reason to visit.

My Grandad’s generation wore smart suits and limped round town with a swagger. They weren’t rich in financial terms, but they had pride. What they’d been part of meant something. The town centre is now the haven for the industrial working class whose industries have shipped out.

Two generations ago- there were jobs for these people. Real jobs. There are plenty of people doing alright in Rotherham- but they head up the Parkway or the M18 to work (unless they put their snouts in the trough at the offices of the vile junta that is Rotherham Borough Council). Others struggle through with McJobs or short-term, low-end contracts.

Plenty have taken the trackie bottom route and given up. The lack of optimism across the board means many people have let themselves go- including physically. What’s the point in watching your diet if you’re not really that arsed if you wake up tomorrow?

Sure people round here like their naughty treats: pizza and burgers, Mars Bars and Tizer, White Lightning and heroin. However, statistically, Rotherham is not much different to most other post industrial-Northern dumps in terms of health and well being.

Monday 23rd June- sees the official opening of the Jamie’s Ministry of Food HQ in All Saints’ Square. This is an outpost of another invading army that needs to be repelled.

This blog was set to giving a voice to those who oppose this cynical exercise. The intention was to expose the untruths that the programme is built on and to hold the programme makers to account. We also wanted to address the issues facing Rotherham and offer realistic alternative analysis- rather than the self aggrandising gimmicks introduced by Oliver.

That WAS the intention.

The response and support we have received has been unbelievable. The more people learn about Jamie’s Ministry of Food, the more they realise our town is being shafted. Not only that- our spies in the enemy camp suggest that they are in disarray.

WE CAN STOP THIS.

Just think about that for a second. This is our few minutes in the media spotlight. The event that will define our community in the national consciousness.
The plan is: they shoot some footage of collaborators who are willing to “spook it up for da white folks” to get on telly. This is then cobbled together in a way that gives the false impression that Jamie Oliver has started a revolution in cooking which will save the nation. As he rides out of Rotherham to spread the word- the abiding image of our town for the viewer will be a bunch of witless no-marks.

Just imagine if we stopped this show. We have a long history of dissent. Of standing up for ourselves. Instead of doing as we’re told to entertain ABC1 Home Counties women- what if we run this medicine show out of town on a pole?

Which sounds better?

A]

Rotherham; the town where a few dozy twats were taught how to make meatballs.

B]

Rotherham: The town that rediscovered it’s soul. The town that stood up to the celebrity driven, unreality television trash, that shames our so called culture, and said NO.
We are under attack again.

It’s time to burn the sweatpants and stand up for the real Rotherham.

 

No Blackmail

There Are No Second Acts in Rotherham Lives

Jamie Oliver- BBC Radio Sheffield 17th June 2008

“It’ll look good on my C.V. – I cooked with Jamie Oliver”.

The words of DJ Howie Pressman, directly before the second helping of “Jamie Oliver Takes Over Radio Sheffield”. Only if they don’t hear the tapes mate.

[Judge for Yourself at Listen Again]

To be fair to Howie- he was the consummate professional, playing a straight bat as all around him crumbled.

Tonight was the eagerly awaited cook-along. In the words of Uncool J, it was time to make; “Ultimate Burger…kind of on a street culture level.”

Assisting the Naked Chef were Howie, Dave the Producer and Anna. The quartet set about their task.

Dave sounded like a capable fellow. If someone pitched the idea for a radio show: “how about cooking burgers in the car park, in the rain” – Dave would have been pushing them down the stairs before he’d finished saying P-45. Add the words “with Jamie Oliver” and the proposal becomes solid gold. A surefire winner. I’m sure a similar process resulted in Ministry of Food being commissioned.

The show was Carry on Cooking meets complete chaos. Throughout it all- the undoubted star was Anna; a case study in the corrupting influence of celebrity culture.

Anna is an educated, media savvy young woman who is used to being on air. Within an instant of meeting Jamie- she became the world’s most suggestible person. Like most men, I find desperation a very appealing quality in a young woman- but there are limits.

The parent project is built on the lie of teaching people with no experience how to cook. Eager to please,  Anna’s opening gambit was:

”I can’t cook at all.”

Never fear- there’s a celeb in the house:

“[Anna]…put your hand on the chopper.”

It’s like he read her mind. If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

The next few minutes were like a radio message from the Somme- loud bangs, hysterical screams and a dimwit barking orders that made no sense. The three men and a dog at home who had forked out £13.66 on ingredients must have been stumped [if they hadn't already got the method written down in front of them- rendering the whole publicity stunt worthless].

Our hero quizzed Anna, 24, further. What was the height of her cooking ability?

“Beans on toast. Scrambled egg on toast.”

Both were delivered with an uncertain, upward inflection. Am I a bad enough girl for you Mr Jamie? Will you look after me Mr Jamie? Can I be on telly Mr Jamie? If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

After a tune- Jamie was in the studio, presumably leaving his conspirators in the rain. His guests were Jane and Lisa, two of the people staffing his Ministry of Food HQ. The shop is sited in the very centre of Rotherham- facing the architecturally stunning Rotherham Minster across All Saints’ Square. Or, if you have Jamie’s values: “Incredible location-near the big screen.”

Jane and Lisa came off as thoroughly nice women who wanted to help others. They also seem to trust Jamie 100% and think his motives are altruistic. Once again, it was emphasised that the purpose of the exercise was: “passing on the recipes on the website.” Once again, this raises the point- if these easy to follow recipes are already out there and available to the public anyway, what is the point of the Ministry of Food?

Next up, Paul Tingle. Paul is supplying all the food for Jamie’s Ministry of Food and specialises in sourcing organic produce from local farmers. An excellent enterprise and the kind of thing we fully support. Check out his website here. An important point was made:

“The supermarket is not everything.”

Hear, hear. We totally agree. If anything, the supermarkets are the main culprits behind falling standards in the nation’s kitchens. Insidious marketing, substandard products, squeezing the life out of local retailers and producers,robbing communities of essential resources, encouraging car use and perverting shopping patterns. Right on Jamie. We’re right behind you. Local produce from independent traders is the way forward. We salute your stand and will back you to the hilt…

Only this is never going to happen. Jamie Oliver is the face of Sainsburys. Despite the fact that the supermarkets are the polar opposite of everything he appears to champion in his current campaign- you will hear no criticism. When Jamie made a mild jibe against Sainsburys in his lame, healthy chicken show, the speed of the backtracking was phenomenal. [see past hypocrisy] So, he’ll talk the talk to sell his book, then he’ll pop up in the ad break pushing the same old crap.

Unwisely, Paul Chuckle popped up, reminding listeners of last week’s show. The solo Chuckle Brother was passing on the knowledge he picked up from Jamie. He was going to teach, “# 39 in world snooker”, Jimmy Michie how to make a steak sandwich. Even though these were two bona fide superstars- the sense of occasion overcame them. Michie cracked:

“I’ve never eaten a salad in 37 years, but I’ll try it because I’m on a special programme”.

If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

Remember, the ethos of “pass it on” is essential to the success of the Ministry of Food. Michie said he thought he would pass on his knowledge of making a steak sandwich to Steve Davis and Jimmy White. Inspirational.

Back to the real action. Anna was really raising the stakes, portraying herself as a dangerous cross between Keith Moon and Nana Moon.

The last time she made beans on toast- Anna set fire to a napkin.

For lunch, she only had a Milky Way.

Jamie played her like a fish, asking how it had felt having the meat in her hand earlier.

Time for the vital question. Who would the guinea pigs “pass it on” to? Anna was out of control:

“I would say my housemates…but I’m homeless”.

When pressed, Dave said he may possibly “pass it on” to his brother. The main principle of the project looks a dead duck. Even in a showcase media opportunity- two of the participants pretty much admitted they are not going to do it. Who in their right mind would say to someone:

“I know a recipe that involves chucking a few things into a bowl and making them into burgers with your hands. It is designed to be really easy to follow. I could just give it to you, however, I am going to come to your house and go through it step by step because we both know you are crap at cooking. Of course, this obligates you to teach two more people the recipe”.

This is ridiculous.

A desperate Jamie threw back to an outside broadcast at Wath Comprehensive. Claire and Natasha were on hand to help. The pair are veterans of a six week course with the Naked Chef himself. Now, they are at the vanguard of the culinary revolution. The first wave of shock troops that will change the habits of the nation. No doubt they have received strong backing from the production team to make sure everything goes smoothly. Jamie confidently asked Claire how it was all shaping up. Claire did fish pie on Monday:

“but none of my class turned up.”

You couldn’t help but feel sorry for her- but don’t fret. Everything always turns out well in the end in Jamie’s shows. This will probably be a situation where he is shown ranting with frustration about ignorance and stupidity [played in this gripping morality tale by the good people of Rotherham]. He’ll come through it and use his guts and brilliant ideas to give us a happy ending by the time of the closing credits. Even the “idiots” who don’t get it at first will see the error of their ways.

What the Hell is wrong with these people? Why aren’t they making the effort to turn up to a class run by someone who has pretty much the same level of ability in the kitchen as they do? They don’t deserve these recipes- which are readily available for them to use at home,  rendering the “pass it on” classes useless.

In a final, despairing attempt to catch the eye of the Saviour, Anna cut herself with a knife. I’m sure that anything like this will not feature in the series. I mean- it would make great TV, but the idea is not to make people look like idiots. Right?

Back at Wath, the school kids taking part in the cook along were doing really well. Jamie heaped praise on them. The teacher proudly announced that a lot of them were enthusiastic cooks who hoped to attend catering college. So these pupils were keen chefs. The exact opposite of the kind of person the scheme is designed to help.

Throughout the show- participants talked about how “everyone in Rotherham” was excited about the scheme. In my experience, “everyone in Rotherham” is angry about our neighbours being held up to ridicule and manipulated in the name of cynical greed. As things stand at the moment- their truth is the real truth, because they have the deal to broadcast their version to millions. Having said that- four months is a long time in revolutionary politics.

One person was undoubtedly excited. Anna proudly announced that her burger was “Damn Good”. She had been through her own reality TV “journey”. Starting from humble beginnings- she had reached for the stars. After heartache, misery and real blood- her caring mentor had rescued her and put her on the true path. Eventually- she came through. She had reached a life changing moment- she could make a burger. Roll the credits. See you love.

The hapless cooks were all media pro’s. This was a live show on a BBC local radio station. Some of them may regret some of the things they said- but hey ho- it’s part of the job. They can talk better crap tomorow.

If it is your only ever appearance on TV- what happens to you on Jamie’s Ministry of Food may well be the defining event of your life. The thing everyone remembers about you. A problem has to be established- or there is no reason for the show to exist. TV is all about show don’t tell. The power of images. As the problem is – people can’t cook- the TV show must portray people failing. Remember- this is a celeb driven entertainment show. We must see people fail in a way that is entertaining. All of these useless duffers will be from Rotherham. What message is that sending out? There will be a happy ending- no matter how much editing it takes. And the people will be grateful – no matter how much editing it takes. There will be tears- no matter how many onions it takes.

The name of Rotherham will be dragged through the mud [again]. Negative stereotypes will be reinforced. More seriously, the dignity of some of our neighbours will be sacrificed for the sake of Jamie Oliver’s book sales and the titillation of a sneering TV audience. And there will be no chance to answer back.

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously observed: “There are no second acts in American lives”.

Thanks to Jamie’s Ministry of Food- there will be no second acts in some Rotherham lives.

 
No Blackmail

The Calm Before the Storm

“I think real mentors are not people you see on the telly. I think it’s always lovely to think of local people as mentors you can draw from: family and friends. The whole celebrity thing can be good, but it’s a lot of bull**** too”

Jamie Oliver 2002

I couldn’t agree more Mr Jamie.

Let’s see what a couple of South Yorkshire people have to say about your Ministry of Food. The following quotes are taken from posts on Sheffield Forum.

“It has little to do with people not knowing what’s healthy – everyone knows that and always has done. It has a lot more to do with the uncomfortable fact that if money is short you need your kids to eat what you’ve bought for them or they will go hungry – so you are simply not going to pay out £1.50 for a salad lunch that will be untouched, and then have the kids come home and hungrily demolish a loaf of bread that you were hoping to make last till next day.

Then there’s also something George Orwell recognised as far back as the 1930s (read The Road To Wigan Pier) but which monied people like Oliver always fail to see – that if you have very little money one way of introducing a little pleasure into your daily life is to indulge in cheap treats like a cup of sugary tea (Orwell noted how the middle classes would often criticise the unemployed for spending precious money on nutritionally ‘bad’ bags of sugar and packs of tea – nothing changes, eh?), a pack of 10p crisps, a sausage roll, a reduced price bag of Mini Eggs from Netto…. – it might not be a designer dress or a trip to the Maldives but it’s a treat people can afford”.

14-05-2008,    Mathom   

“I’m all for healthy eating, I just don’t like patronising, slack jawed, Mockney gits”.

13-05-2008 SallyLaLaLa     

 

This is the calm before the storm. When historians look back on 2008, Napoleon’s march on Moscow will look like a minor hiccup compared to Oliver’s decision to take liberties with the people of Rotherham.

We hold the intellectual and moral high ground on this one and we will fight for the honour of our town. Over the next few months- we are going to take this mob down. We are going to mount a campaign with levels of wit, intelligence and sheer joy that the reality TV zombies are incapable of. And we’ve got custard.

We are the real people of Rotherham.

Join us- it’s going to be a laugh riot.

 

No Blackmail

Cook-Along Fever

Don’t forget Jamie’s show on BBC Radio Sheffield. Tuesday 17; 6.00-7.00 pm. Our lovely licence lolly is paying for this second hour long plug for Channel 4 and Jamie’s Ministry of Food Ltd (Registered No. 06404982), so we may as well get our get our money’s worth.

No doubt- you’ve been excited about the promised cook-along all week. Oliver is going all out to win us over by showcasing the no nonsense methods that are going to kickstart a revolution in the health of families across Britain.

Count the flaws in the model- they’re going to get bigger as the project grows.

What percentage of the people who listened last week are actually going to cook along? If you are guessing anywhere over one percent, I salute your optimism.

Jamie’s going to keep it real by teaching us how to cook a burger. Last week, he told us to check out the website and pick up the ingredients so we could all get cracking this week. I did – so you don’t need to:

1 large white onion
olive oil
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
50g Jacob’s crackers
8 sprigs of fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 heaped teaspoons Dijon mustard
500g good-quality beef mince
1 large egg, preferably free-range
1 cos or round lettuce
3 tomatoes
1 red onion
3 or 4 gherkins
6 burger buns

How many other people do you reckon bothered looking? Five percent? I’d say less but we’ll aim high. Of that five percent- how many would have gone out of their way to buy these ingredients so they could prepare a burger at precisely 6.30 pm on Tuesday? Anyone still confident about that one percent plus figure?

The list looked pretty big to me- so I checked out how much it would cost you to make Jamie’s burger feast. To keep it fair- I checked on the website of our boy’s fave supermarket:

Sainsbury’s Beef Mince, Be Good To Yourself 440g
£2.79
Sainsbury’s Single Beef Tomato
£0.55 x 3 = 1.65
Sainsbury’s Red Onions x3
£1.29
Sainsbury’s Olive Oil, Extra Virgin 500ml
£2.48
Sainsbury’s Dijon Mustard, 210g
£0.45
Sainsbury’s Flat Leaf Parsley 25g
£0.69
Sainsbury’s Free Range Eggs, Medium x6
£1.36
Sainsbury’s Lettuce, Round
£0.49
Sainsbury’s Pickled Gherkins, in  Vinegar 675g
£0.59
Jacob’s Cream Crackers 300g
£0.64
Sainsbury’s Burger Buns x6
£0.63
Sainsbury’s Onions, Basics   
£0.59

A grand total of £13.66. And remember- that’s just for burgers. We’ve been systematically brainwashed to expect a portion of chips and a glass of pop with a burger meal, plus a movie tie-in toy for the youngsters. In the unlikely event you can get a family who work or go to school to hang on till nearly seven with the promise of a homemade burger- they are not going to be chuffed with nowt but tap water on the side.

For the kind of money you’re talking- you could get a serious takeaway. And you could go there when you wanted. The stated target maket of the project is folks who never cook. At that price you’re going to attract about 0.01 percent of them.

But, you cry- you’ve budgeted for buying bottles of olive oil and six eggs. The people who do this will have these things at home.

Aha, I exclaim- they would. I believe that most British families would be packing this gear. However- this whole project is supposedly aimed at a large group in society who NEVER cook. They would have to be sufficiently inspired by J.O. to fork out a considerable amount of money to do something they have an aversion to. The end product would be something they could get delivered to their house for less expense. And they could have it whenever they wanted.

Nonsense, you interject- they could do this whenever they wanted. This family have to have access to the Internet to have got the recipe (I pass over the fact that many do not have a computer). They can use the listen again facility and do this whenever. Or just copy down the details and do it at their convenience.

Allelujah- I cry. You finally understand. The whole scheme is just another crappy cooking show aimed at snobbish foodies. The whole community involvement thing is a ruse and the people of Rotherham are extras in a deception.

The recipes are out there anyway. Those who want to cook have all the help they need. My licence fee funds www.bbc.co.uk/food , where people have access to thousands of recipes- including 100 video recipes. Anyone flicking through the current issue of Radio Times will see a free food pull out which includes a recipe for burgers by Ainsley Harriott and one for kebabs by Gordon Ramsey.

The School Dinners show was considered a success because it got politicians to change policy. A group of needy knob jockeys who will do anything to get their mugs on telly fell over themselves to press Oliver’s puffy, pale flesh.

People already know what food is good for them. People have developed their eating habits to suit themselves. If they are unhealthy- they have justified to themselves the reasons why they stick with them. You cannot alter the behaviour of people overnight unless you are offering something which is demonstrably superior.

Jamie’s Ministry of Food is a fraud. It is built on a lie and offers solutions which are impractical. The script has already been written. Jamie Oliver will be at the centre of a series of set pieces which will build to a climax. Careful editing and spurious claims will have the viewers in no doubt that the whole thing has been “another triumph”. Easy to claim success when the results are impossible to quantify. The only figures that count are the sales of: Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by  Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008.

The only losers will be the people of Rotherham. Unpaid extras in this squalid exercise. The town held up as a centre of sloth and ignorance. The suckers who show up on TV will be used the worst then left high and dry when the ringmaster returns South.

With every lack lustre appearence in Rotherham- Jamie is convincing more people to stand up and fight back. He is uniting the people under one banner. Jamie Go Home.

Anyone who collaborates is selling us down the river.

No Blackmail

Jamie Wants You- ( If You Are Female and Minted )

Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

It’s all about helping the ordinary people of Rotherham. Inspiring those who don’t cook to get in the kitchen and improve their lives.

Not according to Channel 4.

The station that is going to broadcast the munchkin missionary’s patronisathon has a whole different take on it.

Jamie’s MoF is being touted around for sponsorship. Visit Channel 4 Sales and even the most rose tinted glasses must go a bit cloudy.

The pitch states:

ABC1 Women

In the First World War Britain’s nutrition was in crisis. The government responded by creating a new Ministry of Food.

Jamie Oliver believes we are currently in a similar state of crisis so he’s going to set up his own Ministry of Food. Co-opting his family and friends, he’ll use his home town of Southend (sic) as his base to continue his one man mission to stop good people eating bad food.

Two things leap off the page. Firstly- Southend. Jamie has repeatedly said he was “haunted” by the images of the Rawmarsh mums and this drove him to set up his latest crusade. He has stressed that the Rotherham factor was key- he was desperate to help the townspeople. The lazy editing of the C4 sales site suggests that coming to our town was at best second choice. Draw your own conclusions why this happened. If anyone can think of a positive one- please share it with the group. (We will return to Southendgate in future editions)

The smoking gun is the target audience-

ABC1 Women.

For those unfamiliar with the NRS social classifications:

A-   upper middle class higher managerial, administrative or professional
B -  middle class intermediate managerial, administrative or professional
C1- lower middle class supervisory or clerical, junior managerial, administrative or professional
C2- skilled working class skilled manual workers
D-  working class semi and unskilled manual workers
E-   those at lowest level of subsistence state pensioners or widows (no other earner), casual or lowest grade workers

ABC1 Women: Bit thin on the ground in Rotherham.

Teachers, Council, few banking bods and that’s your lot. C4 don’t seem convinced that this show is going to galvanise the entire nation to change their lives.

ABC1 women are the group in society least likely to change their behaviour on food. They are already signed up. Their income gives them access to the best ingredients. They are educated and are likely to be familiar with the issues and probably have plenty of Jamie product already. They are more than likely to have access to a car which enables them to head off to Cannon Hall or Waitrose or anywhere else they fancy. They are less likely to head for the golden arches when going out for a meal and probably move in circles that don’t find the idea of a dinner party weird and gay.

These are the people who shook their heads in disbelief at Jamie’s School Dinners when poor kids didn’t recognise broccoli. The converted will settle down again as Jamie sells them the same piece of old rope this October. The next day, it will be perfect fodder for a self righteousness session in the All Bar One.

You can judge a man by the company he keeps. Scan down the page for the other “feature shows”, with the same target audience, available for sponsorship and you get the drift.

10 Years Younger

A swish London media type takes a 35 year old woman with saggy tits, puts her in a bikini and parades her: inviting 100 members of the public to guess her age. It is edited so you hear five people saying she looks about 80- reducing her to tears. Playing on the emotional crisis- the subject is cajoled into being butchered by a plastic surgeon. After caking on a ton of make up and dressing her like a 1950s prostitute- the woman is judged by another hundred people. This time- they keep the five who say she looks about 30. After being literally used and abused- she is tossed back into her normal life with no real benefit.

It is almost the same show as Mof. Cruel exploitation of insecurities dressed up as entertainment. Next:

Neil Morrissey’s Perfect Pint

This observational series will follow Neil Morrissey and his close friend and beer chef Richard Fox fulfilling their dream ambition of setting up a brewery and a pub to create and sell the ‘perfect pint’.

AKA: Someone they wouldn’t have minded shagging in the 90s doing something they have no real interest in emulating.

Personal Services Required

With rising numbers of people paying someone to do their domestic duties, the demand for good workers is greater than ever. But finding the right person for the job can be a tricky business. This new four part series will help people to find the domestic staff of their dreams. Each week different families are given the opportunity to road-test potential candidates to work for them.

Like Jamie’s MoF, this is Channel 4 stepping up to the plate on their public service remit. All I hear round Rotherham is what a nightmare it is to find a butler. And as for holding on to a decent ostler- forget about it. Up there with all those vital shows about how to get an acceptable holiday home abroad for less than 400k.

Wife Swap

Could this have been behind the relocation from Southend. A new crop of Lizzie Bardsley’s to cowprod for sport. Surely not. I mean, after all those record ratings and acres of news print- Channel Four wouldn’t want to go fishing around for Northern stereotypes to put on the screen.

The marketing machine is bang on so far. The people getting behind the “pass it on” campaign in Rotherham are bang in the ABC female classification. Floral dresses and good intentions. The idea that this is going to develop beyond the core audience of Jamie disciples is folly.

We’ve been hearing a few wicked whispers about dissent in the ranks already. More on that to follow.

No Blackmail

 

Jamie- You’re Fired

It said on TV last night that 20,000 people applied to take part in The Apprentice.

Begging the question: are that bunch of tossers the best they could find?

Prompting the answer: of course not. The contestants were picked on the basis of who would perform for the camera. In a show based on conflict- we want to see conceited, highly strung divvies with the moral fibre of Dick Dastardly.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be wealthier than us are the bunch of sound bite parroting no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed in manufactured sketches based around flogging ice cream or treasure hunting in Morocco. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into middle management.

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the best saleswoman in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it more OOOMPH! So what? You’re in sales. You showed some game on the show. You reckon it helped you when you were looking for a move. They rib you at the Xmas party- but all you did is price the lobster up wrong. If it gets too annoying- you can always cash in your savings and head abroad. You always fancied it anyway. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Think about the unfortunate Rotherham folks who will participate in Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

The contestants will be picked on the basis of who will perform for the camera. In a show based on incompetence- we want to see simple, ham-fisted divvies who fail miserably before being rescued.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be poorer than us are the bunch of useless no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed messing up simple tasks that we find simple. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into…who cares?

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the worst cook in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it less OOOMPH! So you got caught up in real life version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch. So what? You said that you had eaten only raw lard and Milky Bar sarnies for the last twenty years. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. You live in the same house and work in the same job, but you now know how to do a stir fry (although you had rightly suspected from the off that the process involved a combination of stirring and frying). Your kids get picked on because their Mam was encouraged to cry at certain points of her ‘journey’. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Learning a new skill is difficult. If you are trying to master something that you are totally unfamiliar with- it is going to be frustrating. There are going to be tears. There had better be tears or you ain’t got the gig bitch. And a dying relative will make your ‘journey’ more fun for the viewers too.

Education is a process that requires trust between teacher and pupil. Filming the process purely for entertainment is a betrayal of trust and demeans the whole exercise. The only justification is if the finished product inspires others. How many of the viewing audience are really going to wipe away their salt tears, clench their trembling fists and declare: “If he can make meatballs then, by God, so can I!” I suspect the reality will be less The Helen Keller Story and more Maureen from Driving School meets the Freaky Eaters at a Greek wedding.

Another major reason for the success of The Apprentice is the fact it looks so beautiful. The aerial shots of the City are lush. Capitalism is groovy man. I could just curl up on top of that Gherkin and start closing factories in a snap. We marvel at the world of Sir Alan and understand why they all scramble to grasp his greasy pole.

At ground level- the noise and stink are horrible as you dodge vagrants and vague runts. Sir Alan’s office is really in Brentwood and no boardroom on Earth is lit like that. The Frances woman who answers the phone isn’t a real P.A.. The real life Nick and Margeret live in a small paddling pool like the bald dudes in Minority Report and are represented on the show by replicants. It’s all fantasy, but we buy into it.

The opposite effect is required when telling a story about basic skills adult education. Learning to do a stir fry is not a tale of grand ambition. To create a narrative which will hook your audience, you’ve got to crank up the stakes. If the pay off is learning to stir fry- you’ve got to start your protagonist pretty low down.

That’s why Jamie’s coming to our town. We’re the producers idea of Loserville, UK. When they were looking to squeeze the last droplet of blood out of the caring/sharing franchise: they were looking for the anti City. The place you don’t want to get to. They chose us. The perfect setting for the dashing future knight to ride into and rescue the helpless residents of Damned village.

Don’t expect any shots of leafy Wickersley or the big new houses at Woodlaithes. It’s going to be stray bull terriers and grilled up terraces all the way. How many potential investors do you think will watch Jamie’s Ministry of Food and think-

“That’s exactly the kind of place I want to set up a business in. I can almost smell the dog pooh and self loathing through the telly. Frances- set up a meeting with the Rotherham people.”

We need jobs and services to give the town it’s dignity back. Stay away Jamie.

No Blackmail