Mega Chocolate Fudge Cake – Obesity Cure

There are new recipes up on the Jamie Oliver Rotherham website.

Here’s one that caught my eye:

Mega Chocolate Fudge Cake  

Link to Mega Chocolate Fudge Cake  

You’ll have to follow the link- Jamie’s website has copyright notices all over it- even on the PDFs of the recipes we’re told are there to be “passed on”. Perhaps he only wants them to be “passed on” via the pages of:  Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008.

Can anyone seriously tell me this isn’t a marketing campaign dressed up as another “crusade”?

The whole thing has been sold on two ideas- teaching people how to cook and improving the health of the nation.

Mega Chocolate Fudge Cake admittedly looks ace. Full fat to the max and as useful in the fight against obesity as deep fried Mars bar and chips. Jamie insists on “good-quality dark chocolate”, butter, fudge, 4 large eggs, preferably free-range or organic and crème fraîche or vanilla ice cream.

You could argue that this is (pardon the inappropriate metaphor) a carrot to lure refusers into the kitchen. Oliver has spun the spurious stat that 60% of people can’t cook and this is the cause of all the nation’s ills. He has assembled a cast of people willing to pretend this is true because they are desperate to be on telly.

Imagine this is a trap to get these people hooked on cooking. We hit a slight problem. The recipe requires a deep baking dish. What are the chances that people who never cook have got one of these? Remember, J.O. has been continually banging on about all these people who never, ever cook and live on takeaways.

What are the chances that people who never cook having a food processor?

I don’t know anyone who has got one- even people who cook everyday.

The entire how to make it section involves putting everything in a food processor. You might say there are other ways to mix things up without using a food processor. Congratulations- you are one of the lucky 40% of people in this country who can cook. The Ministry of Food is not aimed at you.

Mega Chocolate Fudge Cake  {which requires a food processor to prepare}.

 

Does this sound like:

A) A tool that can spearhead the fight against the UK’s obesity problem.

B) A meal that even the most reluctant cook will be able to prepare as they will have easy access to everything required to make it.

C) Something that people will make- even though the sum total of the ingredients will cost stacks more than an equivalent dessert bought ready made from a shop.

D) The kind of thing you would use to flesh out a cookbook. The recipe serves 8- so it will appeal to the core ABC1 female audience that Jamie targets.

If you answered anything other than D- ….

 

 

No Blackmail

Satire is Dead- Long Live Jamie

“It was at that moment that satire died. There was nothing more to say after that.”

(The musical satirist Tom Lehrer, when Henry Kissinger, US Secretary of State who masterminded the illegal invasion of Cambodia, won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973. Lehrer decided he could no longer perform.)

Thursday Dinner time- Jamie’s Ministry of Food – All Saints Square

 

I happened to be passing enemy HQ yesterday- and I was shocked.

I saw something so brazen, so ridiculous- it’s almost too much to take in.

A woman involved in the cooking lesson (I believe it was centre manager Lisa Taylor) was wearing an orange T-shirt. On closer inspection- I could see this was a Sainsbury’s T-shirt. On the back- was a slogan which proudly trumpeted that Sainsbury’s support Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

 

Are you fucking kidding me?

 

In the original press release for Ministry of Food- the key quote is:

 

“We spend over £2 billion a year on ready meals”.

 

The whole thing is sold on the need to get away from processed food and back to basics. Yet this enterprise is backed by one of the biggest pushers of ready meals in the country.

 

The early phase of the campaign also championed local produce. Paul Tingle appeared on the Radio Sheffield show and announced that he would be providing produce supplied by local farmers to use in the Ministry of Food. Now Sainsbury’s are in some way involved. Supermarkets are notorious for their profit first, everything else nowhere logistics operations. If you get a locally picked strawberry- it’s probably been dispatched via Aberdeen. Many small farmers claim that the dictatorial policies of the supermarket buyers squeeze them to near extinction. These days- the Man from Del Monte doesn’t say YES. The Man from Sainsbury, Tesco, ASDA says- do this, this and this- and if you don’t like making a penny a ton- eat your fucking strawberries.

All the local shops have been crushed- so don’t think you can go anywhere else. Which is another point. Jamie has said- it’s all about community. In the old days- there were communities round Rotherham. Places with local grocers; where your parents and grandparents could walk to with their shopping bags and buy fresh fruit and veg. How many quality local grocers are there now? How many sell decent produce? How many can compete with the monolithic supermarkets?

 

It’s all about community- sponsored by the people who helped to kill your community.

 

Jamie had to leave the BBC because he was blurring the line between his TV shows and Sainsbury’s ad’s. It looks like he may be up to his old tricks again.

 

I can’t believe that OFCOM will allow Sainsbury’s to be the lead sponsors of Ministry of Food, but that doesn’t matter. The power of suggestion is a mighty weapon. Subtle hints, complimentary adverts and the odd “accidental” T-shirt will do the trick.

 

Of course- some of you believe that the multi millionaire chef Jamie Oliver is trying to educate the people of Rotherham for altruistic reasons. It won’t be too much of a stretch for you to believe that J Sainsbury PLC, a public limited company with a duty to increase the wealth of shareholders, exists to promote healthy eating and help build communities. You must also believe that McDonalds sponsor football because their raison d’etre is the promotion of fitness through a healthy lifestyle.

 

One thing is for certain- if Sainsbury’s are enthusiastically on board – Ministry of Food is nothing more than a cheap entertainment show. To make any real difference would mean Jamie would have to bite the hand that feeds him. When he mildly criticised his paymasters in fowl dinners- he immediately issued a grovelling retraction.

This time, despite being the embodiment of everything he claims to oppose, Sainsbury’s are with him all the way. Proof that there is no substance to Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

 

Supermarket’s support Ministry of Food.

 

Is satire dead?
No Blackmail

————————————————————————————

Sainsbury’s in Rotherham

Superstores 0

Their presence is limited to the understocked local stores they got when they took over the Jackson’s chain

Sainsbury’s Local Knowledge

Opening offer when opening refurbished Brecks store (Bearing in mind Rotherham has a large Muslim population)

Free bacon for all customers.

J’Accuse – Jamie Oliver M.B.E.

Why does Jamie Oliver keep getting involved in these campaigns?

School Dinners, Ministry of Food, Stop the Working Class Eating Chicken, Train ASBO kids as Low Paid Kitchen Fodder-

You name it – he’s on it.

What motivates him to give so much of himself for the little people?

What drives him on to seek out new projects?

Here’s my theory.

Jamie Oliver was born in 1975 and brought up in rural Essex pub. His family were Tories and the area he grew up in was synonymous with the uncaring, “no such thing as society” ethos of 1980s Thatcherism.

Oliver got a job at the River Café. One day a TV producer making a documentary spotted him in the kitchen and the Naked Chef series was created. The producer had been looking for someone young to front a cookery show and, with his unthreatening, “chicken” looks, Oliver fitted the bill.

The idea was to create a kind of Britpop chef and build a show around his life.

The producer was Pat Llewellyn of Optomen Television. Optomen Television rented the flat for him and Pat Llewellyn guided him through the show by asking him questions. With heavy editing- they came up with a storyline of the hip young chef hanging with is buddies. Kind of the Monkees without the looks, tunes or personality.

The show was a hit and this enabled Jamie to do what he really cared about- ruthlessly making money in the Essex man stylee. Oliver signed a mega deal with Sainsbury’s to recreate his TV show as an advert. Same idea- he goes out with his ‘real’ mates (always including one black, one Jew, but none of them disableds as they put you off your dinner) then all back to ‘his’ for a slap up meal.

Absolutely no sign of any social conscience so far. So what was the road to Damascus moment that was the making of St Jamie?

The BBC suggested he should knock the Sainsbury ad’s on the head. He was ridiculously over exposed and appeared to be lining his pockets by copying a format shown by a public service broadcaster. Like many who get success young- Oliver had apparently developed into a full blown tosspot who believed his own hype. He left.

So at this point in his career- you had a kid who had been handed success on a plate and he had milked it for every penny. The public were tired of his act; Britpop was as dead as the T-Rex.

If he wanted to keep doing what he loved (stuffing fivers in his wallet) he had to reinvent himself.

Channel 4 signed him and Jamie’s Kitchen was born. His first “social enterprise” hit pay dirt.  His Bash St Kids were selected from a host of applicants on the basis of their value as soap opera characters. Again, heavy editing created a new Oliver character. This time, the caring, “doing it for the kids” dude. And he could keep doing the Sainsbury’s ad’s.

Unsurprisingly- he liked the sound of this. School Dinners followed and now Ministry of Food. Each time- the Sainsbury’s ad’s have continued. The man who shut down the Turkey Twizzler factory sees no contradiction in promoting a company with shelves full of similar products. In the run up to Ministry of Food- the ad’s are on a theme of feeding your family for a fiver with home cooking. Surely not up his own tricks of blurring the line between his TV shows and adverts again is he?

The lack of sincerity is staggering. His next great cause is already decided. After ‘saving’ the poor folks of Rotherham- he is going to save pigs.

Why pigs you ask. This report explains:

“Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has pledged to make being a “champion for pigs” his next worthy cause.
Oliver, who has already championed free-range chickens in his television documentary Fowl Dinners, was speaking at the annual literary festival in Hay-on-Wye, mid Wales.
He said he had considered concentrating on beef or milk, but went with the popular choice of pigs after asking his audience.”

So there you have it. Jamie really cares about…whatever will sell with his audience. He looks for “his next worthy cause”, does some market research and drops it if it doesn’t play well with the ABC1s. It’s all about making the TV shows, making the adverts and selling the books. It was when he was the cheeky Naked Chef and it’s exactly the same now.

Don’t believe me. This is from a recent interview. Oliver was asked what his next project is. He said:

“Fifteen really looks after itself now and there’s a great team of people at the various restaurants all over the world and the chicken thing has got Hugh all over it. I’m excited about the Jamie’s Italian restaurants – we opened Oxford already and that’s doing really well. We open Bath and Kingston later this year and then Brighton, Cambridge and a few others next year. And I’m working hard on a new book and TV project for the autumn and you’ll find out more about that in September”.

 

Fifteen- moved on

The chickens- done with.

Ministry of Food- this burning passion he is pursuing in our town. The thing he was driven to do to get rid of images that haunted him. His crusade to change the health of the whole of Britain. It doesn’t even get a mention by name. Slipped his mind altogether this all consuming passion of his.

See, when you’re selling something- you don’t want to confuse the punters. Currently, Oliver is selling his chain of restaurants. Rotherham is just:

“a new book and TV project for the autumn and you’ll find out more about that in September”.

If you are involved in Ministry of Food- I hope you are getting paid as much as the people Jamie pretends to be friends with in his adverts. You are basically playing the same role- background artiste in a marketing campaign to boost the £20 million plus fortune of Jamie Oliver M.B.E..

 

No Blackmail

Jamie Down Under

An article from down under on Jamie and the specky river bloke about his middle class chicken good/working class chicken bad show.

“Harrowing television scenes of Jamie Oliver gassing chicks and electrocuting a chicken have been branded immoral by the RSPCA.

The show, Jamie’s Fowl Dinners, which will premiere on Channel 10 this month, is part of the TV chef’s crusade to highlight the cruelty of battery farming.

But his plans may have backfired, with animal protection groups angry over the killings.

One scene sees Oliver, 32, electrocute a chicken and drain blood from its neck, to show the way they are slaughtered.

Another sees him suffocate chicks with carbon dioxide.

The RSPCA attacked Oliver’s actions, calling for him to stop further public demonstrations.

“It’s immoral,” spokesman Hugh Worth said.

“You don’t inflict pain and suffering on an animal to make people aware. You just don’t do that because it’s wrong.”

Animal Liberation Victoria spokeswoman Debra Tranter called for Oliver to use footage from real farms to show the “cruel reality” behind egg farming. She said, despite Oliver’s good intentions, his actions were cruel and misguided.

“I like what he is trying to achieve, but he has gone about it the wrong way,” Ms Tranter said.

Channel 10 defended the show, saying Oliver was a licensed slaughterman.

The show had been classified M and would carry “consumer advice”, a Ten spokeswoman said.

Earlier, animal rights groups condemned the chef for slitting a lamb’s throat while it was still conscious for a TV series filmed in Italy”.

Link

I think the key quote is:

“I like what he is trying to achieve, but he has gone about it the wrong way,”

Nobody is in favour of deliberately causing pain to chickens. Having said that- if you are in favour of killing them just because you like the taste of them- you’re not that arsed about chickens really. The point is- the way to address the issue is not to make a sensationalist TV show full of manufactured set pieces.

Nobody is in favour of people eating a bad diet. Having said that- if people want to- it’s not really anything to do with me. Unlike the chickens- they have a choice. All the information is out there for people to make up their own minds. Presenting a half baked cooking lesson scheme as a panacea is nonsense.

Unlike the Australians- our dumb nation has adopted Jamie Oliver as a saint. They actually question his questionable methods.  Jamie’s predictably babyish response:

“All of those birds would have been killed anyway”.

Why bother treating any of them well then genius? His arguments rarely stand up to scrutiny
In this country- the River bloke hi-jacked the Tesco AGM to vote on the issue of stocking intensively farmed birds. 90% voted against the motion. The whole media coverage of the nation’s biggest stores Annual General Meeting was dominated by this issue. Things that I think are more important, like exploiting third world workers on slave wages and destroying communities with out of town mega –sheds barely got a mention.

The power of celebrity endorsement. Jamie’s Ministry of Food will skew the debate on health in this country by presenting the inability to cook as the main problem. Complacent viewers will be able to ignore the fact that they drive too much and exercise too little and enjoy the funny programme about the thick Northerners.

 

No Blackmail

This Is Not a Hoax

Here is some free publicity for Jamie.

Below is the press release for his latest product. This is not a hoax. This is 100% genuine.

Some things are beyond parody.

However, if you are the kind of person who would like:

“Jamie Oliver …with you every step of the way to offer help and inspiration at the supermarket”

…you prayers have been answered.

 

 

Atari serves up a treat with the announcement of What’s Cooking? with Jamie Oliver, the first video game to feature international cooking star Jamie Oliver and his delicious, world-renowned recipes, scheduled for release exclusively on Nintendo DS TM for Christmas 2008. What’s Cooking? with Jamie Oliver walks players through virtual and real-life cooking situations, from shopping to chopping, dressing the dish to serving up meals. The portability of Nintendo DS means Jamie Oliver is with you every step of the way to offer help and inspiration at the supermarket, in the kitchen, on the barbecue or wherever you feel like cooking up a storm.

Try your hand at some delicious real cooking with the interactive cookbook, stuffed with 100 original Jamie Oliver recipes, mouth-watering photography by David Loftus of the quality we’ve come to expect from Jamie’s books, and featuring voice recognition leaving hands free to concentrate on the cooking. The interactive shopping list automatically saves ingredients from chosen recipes (either Jamie Oliver’s or your own creations) and organises them by food type making trips to the supermarket a breeze. You can add any other items you want to the list using the keypad or text recognition.

In the spirit of Jamie Oliver’s books and TV shows, the creative mode encourages players to use hundreds of hand-picked ingredients to create their own dishes. Up to 100 of your own unique recipes can be saved on the Nintendo DS to be recreated in the kitchen later and shared with friends and family using the Nintendo ® Wi-Fi Connection.

The cooking games offer fun for everyone with a series of recipe challenges using the stylus to chop, stir and serve in a variety of virtual real-time 3D kitchen settings. Challenge your friends and family to a cook-off or beat the clock, all the while keeping quality and taste in mind on your way to becoming a top chef.

“I really want to get as many people as I can cooking simple, tasty food, so I’m really excited about bringing a book’s worth of my recipes to a game for the first time,” said Jamie Oliver. “You can cook my recipes for real at home or in the game’s 3D kitchens, but what’s brilliant is that you can come up with your own recipes then share them with your mates and family over wi-fi. Lovely.”

“What’s Cooking? with Jamie Oliver will be the most complete cooking game and it’s great to have Jamie Oliver on board with his wholesome recipes and passion for life,” said Cyril Voiron, VP Brand Management, Worldwide Publishing, Atari. “What’s Cooking? with Jamie Oliver is a great game for Nintendo DS as it appeals to players of all ages within the family, be it the everyday adult cook or the budding child chef, which is a perfect fit with Nintendo’s phenomenal DS audience.”

What’s Cooking? with Jamie Oliver is scheduled for release across North America in October 2008. For information on Jamie Oliver, please visit his official website at www.jamieoliver.com.

Jamie Oliver is a phenomenon in the world of food. He is one of the world’s best-loved television personalities and one of Britain’s most famous exports. Since beginning his TV career in 1998 as the Naked Chef he has sold over 17 million books worldwide and his shows are now aired in more than 50 countries. Not only that but Jamie is also the founder of The Fifteen Foundation, a charity dedicated to giving young people a chance to turn their lives around by training to become chefs in four Fifteen restaurants around the world, London, Amsterdam, Cornwall and Melbourne. Over 100 students have now graduated. In 2004 his documentary “Jamie’s School Dinners” highlighted the poor quality of food served in canteens and as a result of Jamie’s “Feed Me Better” campaign the government pledged 480 million pounds Sterling to address the problems and provide schools with essential equipment and training for staff. Jamie lives in London and Essex with his wife, Jools, and two daughters, Poppy and Daisy.
One of the world’s most recognized brands, New York-based Atari, Inc. is a third-party publisher and distributor of interactive entertainment software in the U.S. The Company’s 1,000+ titles include hard-core, genre-defining franchises such as Test Drive ® and mass-market and children’s franchises such as Dragon Ball Z ® . Atari, Inc. is a majority-owned subsidiary of France-based Infogrames Entertainment SA (Euronext – ISIN: FR-0000052573), the largest interactive games publisher in Europe. For more information, visit www.atari.com .
With the exception of the historical information contained in this release, the matters described herein contain certain “forward-looking statements” that are made pursuant to the Safe Harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Forward-looking statements in this release are not promises or guarantees and are subject to risks and uncertainties that could cause our actual results to differ materially from those anticipated. These statements are based on management’s current expectations and assumptions and are naturally subject to uncertainty and changes in circumstances. We caution you not to place undue reliance upon any such forward-looking statements. Actual results may vary materially from those expressed or implied by the statements herein. Some of the factors which could cause our results to differ materially include the following: the loss of key customers; delays in product development and related product release schedules; inability to secure capital; adapting to the rapidly changing industry technology, including new console technology; maintaining relationships with leading independent video game software developers; loss of our credit facilities; maintaining or acquiring licenses to intellectual property; fluctuations in the Company’s quarterly net revenues and results of operations based on the seasonality of our industry; the termination or modification of our agreements with hardware manufacturers; and other factors described in our SEC filings.

Lazy Journalism 101

Lazy journalists. You can’t blame them really. You have a choice of doing your job properly or doing it in half the time and telling a more appealing story. When a celeb comes to town- it’s a windfall. Loads of stories about nothing. Just pedal whatever they want to say and you’re on easy street.

Look at an example of lazy journalism. Pretty mild compared to what’s on the horizon- but this is just a taster.

Click here to watch BBC report.

 

TV chef tackles Rotherham

Let’s start with the headline. You tackle something that’s bad- like a burglar or a winger cutting in to shoot at your goal. Rotherham- the object of the verb- is clearly bad news.

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has visited Rotherham to try to address the town’s obesity problems.

That’s not why he was in town at all- but we’ll get to that in a minute. There is a clear suggestion that we have obesity problems specific to our town. If you look at the facts (not an Oliver strong point) you will see another picture.

The YORKSHIRE & HUMBER PUBLIC HEALTH OBSERVATORY prepared a major study on obesity in Yorkshire and Humber in 2003. They found that both men and women from the region ranked as fourth highest in England in terms of the percentage who were overweight and obese (Body Mass Index over 30). On obesity alone, Yorkshire and Humber were #1, but Rotherham  was way down in eighth place when is was broken down into areas. Why are we getting tackled?

Quick-To the pictures. Jamie cutting the ribbon to open his Ministry of Food. Only, he isn’t. The date is 13th May 2008 and we all know the occupation HQ didn’t open until 23rd June. Who cares about facts eh? It’s only a bit of fun.

Jamie explains what it’s all about. Well he says “recipe” and “local” a lot and then admits he doesn’t really know what he’s going to be doing. He also looks uncannily like Boris Johnson.

“Jamie was inspired by these infamous pictures”

Praise the Lord. Don’t worry – you won’t usually have to wait thirty seconds to see the infamous pictures. The mums, or in Jamie’s words “old slappers” giving their kids some hot food (not McDonalds and not for profit as Jamie claimed at the time). In October, you will be seeing these pictures in every paper and on every TV news show as the marketing machine swings into action. This kind of stuff actually went on all over the country.

The Times reported:

“So huge was the resistance that take-up of school dinners fell by as much as 24%. At Ealdham primary in Greenwich the head teacher Sally Castle saw parents at the school gate with McDonald’s Happy Meals. “In the early days the children would be in tears and the parents were very angry and upset,” Castle said.

So the Rawmarsh situation was part of a national trend. Someone pointed a camera at people it was easy to pour scorn on, and suddenly we are, in the words of the BBC:

“the town of food sin”

The thick as pig shit place where we ply our kids with “forbidden” food. This “inspired Jamie”. Although, as you can see from the Channel 4 site, the plan was originally make the show in Southend with members of his family to continue “his one man mission to stop good people eating bad food”. proof here

The meeting where they decided to switch to “the town of food sin” must have been a blast.

Truly inspirational. Totally cynical. Tie it in with an old project and cane those Rawmarsh tapes for comic effect.

“in the town of food sin; Jamie’s finding some disciples”

Disciples see the light. Follow the Messiah out of the darkness.

The two lasses want their works canteen sorting. No deal. Jamie’s Ministry of Food is about what you cook at home. Anyway- neither of them looks obese to me. It may be a bold guess- but I’d put money on them lasses being able to cook for themselves.

Next- Jamie’s target audience. Talks about the people of Rotherham like they are retarded for real. That we wouldn’t think of doing decent things for our kids unless some cock off the telly shows us the way. He is confident that Jamie isn’t talking about him. Some thing MUST be done- about other people.

Now it’s time for the unconverted- BOOOO. They wanted a quick hot meal before they went back to college. Bastards. Close up on that tray of chips. SINNERS. I mean that lass- she seemed perfectly normal and not unhealthy at all. She just fancied some chips. We can’t get people get away with shit like that.

Thank God they get them off and get Jamie back on. He says how great it is to be up here- because we’re all honest. Not like London- where everyone is full of shit. Exhibit A- Jamie Oliver. He also says his “experiment” is “definitely the right thing” – even though he has admitted earlier he does not know exactly what he is doing. “It’s about community”. Eh?

“We will find out if all the people in Rotherham are going to sign up to the food gospel according to Jamie”

This is what is known as a puff piece (an open goal for you). Promote what the celebrity wants. You give him air time to plug his wares- he stoops to appear on your crappy local TV show or in your crappy local paper. There is also the unwritten rule that no one is allowed to oppose anything dressed up as promoting healthy eating or question the motives of the multi millionaire businessman.

The BBC piece is two months old. It is full of holes and guff with not one hint of what used to be called “journalism”. If anything- the reporting of the Ministry of Food has gone down hill since then.

It is up to us to turn the tide. Set the agenda. For once- I want us to do as Jamie says. He says he respects our honesty. Any journalists out there- do an honest day’s work and question people. Look beyond the froth for the real story. If you don’t- you are not a journalist.

The piece portrayed normal Rotherham folk as the enemy and people who come to thank Jamie and bring a load of cookbooks to be signed as normal.

That picture looks wrong to me.

 

No Blackmail.

Mick the Miner: The Face of Rotherham

Remember the 1980s.

It was all Yuppies in Golf GTIs yapping into mobiles the size of bricks. I never actually saw this myself, but TV told me about it so often, I believe it. My abiding memory of the 1980s is the bloke in a City wine bar waving a bottle of Rolling Rock and fingering a wad of notes in his shirt pocket as he leers into the camera. I’ve seen that image so often on list shows, I feel like I was there. Such is the power of TV

From October: Rotherham will be personified by Mick the Miner. If you don’t know the name yet- get used to it. Mick the Miner is going to be one of the faces of my hometown.

In the future- when people mention Rotherham- they will think of Mick the Miner. Potential investors will visualise Mick the Miner when they consider bringing jobs here. William Shakespeare is Stratford-upon-Avon.

Mick the Miner is Rotherham.

You can’t say we didn’t warn you.

Jamie says that 60% of people can’t cook at all. Lie.

Oliver came to town because he needed to back up the lie his money making scheme is based on. He also needed to make sure his core audience wasn’t offended. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

His publicity machine has churned out statements about how he was “haunted” by the images of the Rawmarsh lasses on their lunch run. He joined in the cruel mockery at the time- but then he saw a chance to cash in on his “caring” shtick one more time.

His first step was to set up a class of non-cookers to teach for the cameras. If you thought he would choose normal, everyday people to address a serious issue…I know a Nigerian diplomat who wants your bank details. This is entertainment baby- sleazy to the max.

Ideally- this group would conform to the thicko Northern stereotypes he came to Rotherham to exploit and they would go on a reality TV journey guided by the benevolent St Jamie. This tried and tested formula is what his ABC1 Southern female viewers lap up.

He has started to introduce the stooges who have been hand picked to represent sloth, ignorance and gluttony in service of his greed.

In Jamie’s first Radio Sheffield hour- we met Natasha. She claimed to live on nothing but kebabs and takeaways seven days a week. After four cooking lessons with Jamie- she said her life had been transformed. She sits down at the table to every meal with her two children.

Find that little morality tale unlikely- Jamie’s ready to go nuclear.

Meet Mick the Miner.

“Mick the Miner, 56 years old, was even uncomfortable being next to me. He’d never cooked in his life. I showed him the chicken dish that takes about 12 minutes. When he finished it and tasted it, it was like he’d seen colour telly for the first time in his life. He hasn’t stopped cooking since”.

After his corporate bunfight at Magna, Jamie put Mick on the radio. Mick was asked what his level of experience was before he became one of Jamie’s disciples.

“Not a thing- never cooked a meal… My wife did all the cooking.”

This raises a few questions.

1] Jamie’s Ministry of Food is supposed to be about improving health by encouraging home cooking. If Mick was getting home cooked meals off his wife- why was he seen as someone who needed personal tuition from Jamie?

2] If Mick really wanted to learn to cook- why didn’t he ask his wife to help him out? He has someone at home who has promised to love and honour him for life, but he prefers to seek the help of a stranger who he: “was even uncomfortable being next to…”. Is it possible he is just a sad sac who was desperate to be on telly?

3] If, after trying Jamie’s Chicken Chow Mein: “it was like he’d seen colour telly for the first time in his life”- What the Hell has his wife been feeding him all this time? Is it possible that he wanted to say what his new master wanted to hear? Does Mick the Miner just do whatever Jamie wants him to because he wants to be on the colour telly himself? Do you think maybe Jamie and his team egg Mick on to play the stereotype they need?

I ask this because something troubles me about Mick the Miner. He’s too good/bad to be true.

For a start, he’s a miner. That’s, probably the kind of worker an ABC1 woman would expect to find in Rotherham. Not anymore gals. You’ve been watching too many 1980s list shows. They’re pretty rare on the ground these days. But don’t you think sexist old miner would be high on any shopping list of South Yorkshire stereotypes. I look forward to watching fish pies being baked by Mick, brassy blonde barmaid and boy grieving kestrel murdered by sadistic brother

During the interview on Radio Sheffield; Jamie asked his little buddy to tell the listeners the thing he always used to say. Mick obliged:

“Men mine and women cook”.

See, I was born and bred in Rotherham when the pits were a major employer. I was brought up in a mining family and, without an ounce of irony, I can say that some of my best friends were miners. I never once heard anyone use the verb “to mine” to describe what they did for a living.

“I mine at Maltby”. “I’ve been mining for years”. “The paddy broke down and we didn’t start mining till 10 o’clock”.

It just sounds wrong to my ear. It’s like a steelworker saying: “Men steelwork”.

Maybe Mick said something along those lines and it was re-jigged for him by one of the production team. Some Londoner who doesn’t understand the local culture. Maybe he repeated it and Jamie liked it- so it became his catchphrase. His passport to telly time. The more the lovely celeb tickled him- the more he learned to roll over and show him his bits. Everyone playing their fake role in a huge charade.

You may think I’m being a bit harsh – and you’re right. It will be harsh on my town when we are portrayed as a bunch of imbeciles to highlight a problem that doesn’t exist. Drawing on their personal experience- viewers will reject the idea that 60% of people are unable to boil rice. From the episodes of Jamie’s Ministry of Food they see- it will be imprinted in their minds that Rotherham is populated by incompetent tossers who deserve to live in their post industrial squalor.

The media spotlight doesn’t shine on our town very often. Anyone who collaborates in this shoddy enterprise is selling us out- and for what?

My message to collaborators is: if you think this is harsh, wait till Jamie’s finished with you. When the tender moments are on the cutting room floor and all that is left is the image of the bungler being groomed to semi adulthood by the wise mentor.

How do you think people are going to treat you?

“You’ve not dropped it again Mick. Do as I say and you will escape your pathetic life. Look at the colour telly Mick. Isn’t is beautiful”

What you are doing now will define you for the rest of your life.

Do you trust Jamie and his team not to stitch you up?

Really?

Stop staring at the light and think for a second.

Come back.

We’re here for you and we’ll be here when the circus moves out.
No Blackmail

Business As Usual …Part 2

Spoiler Alert.

When you watch Jamie’s Ministry of Food in October- today’s Magna event will be one of the showpiece scenes.

Hundreds of people finding joy through being taught the art of cooking by St Jamie. A mass awakening. Praise be; we be saved Massa.

There were plenty of happy smiling faces and this footage will be cut to portray a positive affair.

Imagine this. Instead of going to work today- you get to go on a bus trip. You and your mates get paid for messing about with woks. Laugh? You wouldn’t stop till knocking off time.

In the aftermath, speaking on his personal publicity outlet (BBC) Jamie was bullish.

-This event was going to kickstart the whole movement. The UK has the most unhealthy people in Europe. [There was no source to back up this dumb statement naturally, but don’t interrupt Jamie was on a roll].
Today was only the start. He wanted everyone to go back to their firms and pass it on.

As we established earlier: If you let the single issue simpleton speak his mind- he becomes the leader of his own opposition.

- Starting today, for six months; he wants people to spend either half an hour a week or half an hour each day at work teaching each other to cook.

- Starting today, for six months; he wants people to spend either half an hour a week or half an hour each day at work teaching each other to cook.

I thought that gem deserved repeating.

26 weeks of cookery lessons; 130 lessons if you’re on the preferred daily plan. Even if you are on the Jamie war wagon- you have to agree that is insane.

Think about everywhere you’ve ever worked. Sink, a kettle and a microwave if you’re lucky. As there are not adequate facilities at most work places- I assume we are talking about letting people off early  to cook at home in groups.

As there is no way their boss could check up on them: What do you think the chances are that people would carry on sharing their culinary knowledge for six months?

As there is no way their boss could check up on them: What do you think the chances are that people would carry on sharing their culinary knowledge for two weeks?

 As there is no way their boss could check up on them: What do you think the chances are that people would just go their separate ways and not bother ever cooking together?

Luckily- the numbers work out, so that the pass it on classes can be done in threes. Jamie informed us that 40% can cook and 60% can’t. Two out of three people can’t cook at all. That’s the premise the series is built on. Does that sound like your social circle? I want to emphasize here “can’t cook”. Not don’t cook or eat ready meals- “can’t cook”. Are two out of three people you know incapable of baking a potato or cutting up a salad? It is even beyond their ken to look in a book and try themselves. If this is your life, and the only thing which will inspire you to change is some bloke off the telly coming to town- you are not the kind of person I socialize with regularly.

Even if everyone did stick faithfully to the regime- what benefits would the employer gain?

In October- the national minimum wage will go up from £5.52 to £5.73. That equates to £74.49  per worker (£372.45 for the daily mob) for leaving early 26 times. You may say that’s not much- but it’s quite a lot for doing sod all productive.

Look at a big firm. Ventura’s call centre business employs around 6,000 people in the former mining areas heading out to the Dearne Valley. That’d be a hit of £446,940 (£2,234,700 in the unlikely event of the daily plan being adopted). The real figure would be far more as, even in the call centre biz- not everyone is on minimum wage. Would effiency improve enough to justify this outlay? Am I missing something? Is there some amphetamine in the meatballs?

None of this matters to the Glorious Leader. Unless everyone accepts the idea that all problems in the country could be solved by cooking at home- the entire project falls. Any dissenters are crushed. Ventura employees won’t be getting  paid for leaving early. They chose not to take part in Jamie’s event today.

Heretics. Jamie slated them. Not much of a call centre, he said, they never returned his call.

How dare those bastards not agree with Jamie? What kind of commercial concern doesn’t want to pay out cash for no return? How can they not agree that we can cook ourselves out of all our troubles?

If Jamie stopped thinking about his own book sales for a minute, he may grasp the fact that there is a world outside his own arse. Ventura shut down their Cardiff operation recently. The outsourcing biz is on it’s arse- in a large part due to the growth of the sector in India. Today- Ventura announced 300 jobs were going in Yorkshire. In the circumstances, perhaps they thought it would not be appropriate to be seen larking around at a frivolous event.

I wouldn’t like to work at Ventura. The money’s not great and they are strict with staff. On the other hand- they did step in and invest in the Dearne Valley at a time when no one else wanted to know. There are benefits to working there too. The staff get a hefty discount at Next and they enjoy a heavily subsidized canteen that offers plenty of healthy food at affordable prices. Wasn’t that the kind of thing Jamie used to support when he was on his School Dinners tip? Who cares- there’s a new book to sell now.

Slagging off a local employer on the day they have announced job losses. Saying what a crap job they do- just because they wouldn’t do exactly what you told them. How do you think that made Ventura employees feel? Way to go on boosting confidence in the town Jamie.

Remember this when you see the laughing Magna stir fry session on your TV.  Not everyone was smiling.

 

No Blackmail

Business As Usual

Jamie’s Ministry of Food Project goes into Phase Two today.

Those readers who live in the town will be aware of the effect Phase One has had on Rotherham. Absolutely none for 99.9% of the population.

For those readers who don’t live in Rotherham- you will have to wait until October and watch the TV show to see this vast tsunami of apathy repackaged as a wave of enthusiasm ready to engulf the nation.

Phase Two was announced with a fanfare on BBC Radio Sheffield this morning. For some bizarre reason- they treat Oliver’s promotion of his Channel 4 show and book as ‘news’. Not that we’re complaining. I reckon they are doing a public service.

Jamie Oliver reminds me of the British National Party. The BNP appeal to people with simplistic messages packaged into soundbites. On the rare occasions they are given the chance to talk at length over the air waves- they lose support. Any detailed analysis of their policies exposes them as nonsense.

Ditto Jamie. You very rarely see him doing anything live on TV. The entity we know as Jamie Oliver is a carefully edited construct designed to appeal to randy old women and defrocked priests. Radio Sheffield is giving us a peep behind the mask.

The first big surprise is that he can barely speak. It is basically just random buzzwords he’s been coached to say, connected by a dull errrr noise. This is a sign of the times. Barack Obama looks like he is about to win the most powerful position on Earth by merely repeating the word ‘CHANGE’ over and over again. Oliver repeats ‘healthy eating’ over and over, meaning all things to all people.

Last month, Radio Sheffield gave him two hours to repeat the words ‘healthy eating’. Like the BNP: the more he explained his real policies, the more normal people turned to each other and said- this bloke is a clueless wanker.

Today he struggled to fill a ten second soundbite on the news. Phase Two is all about business- something Jamie knows inside out (although most businesses don’t get free labour, free equipment and free advertising on a government funded broadcaster). He is hosting an event at Magna for local firms. Without the benefit of his usual vanity editing- Jamie said what he actually meant.

His plan for business- ‘healthy eating’. He said that a lot of people don’t know how to cook. After wheeling out this bogus WMD argument again, he announced his battle plan:

For half an hour of the working week- employees who can cook should pass on their skills to those who can’t. He also barked out “corporate responsibility”, but was unable to place it in a sentence.

Corporate responsibility for me is about: paying decent wages, maintaining acceptable health and safety standards, looking after the local environment and that’s about it. In these difficult economic times- which employers will turn up for an event where a telly chef tells you to have domestic science lessons on your dollar? My bet is: knobs in novelty ties who want to be on the telly and the star bummers from Rotherham Borough Council.

Like the BNP- Jamie’s obsession with a single issue exposes him as a fanatic.

Meditation, studying a foreign language, a Turkish bath, playing the trumpet, martial arts training, making pottery, juggling, Thai massage, IT training, drama workshops, African drumming, bell ringing, colonic irrigation, reading, flying a kite.

That’s a quick list of things that I came up with. I believe that doing any of them for half an hour in a week would make you a better person. I also believe that choosing one at random and pushing it as panacea for all ills would be ridiculous.

If Jamie Oliver convinces any employers that teaching employees to cook for half an hour a week will enhance their business’ performance- it will be because the boss wants to be on telly. Once the red light goes off- it will be business as usual. Exactly the same as every other aspect of this pantomime dressed up as a social campaign.

I wish that Radio Sheffield would give Jamie Oliver a few more hours to really explain what he wants to achieve. Live. In the struggle to expose his hypocrisy- Jamie Oliver uncut is our most powerful weapon.

No Blackmail

When The Sun Goes Down

If you don’t know your history- you will keep repeating your mistakes.
Even if you do know your history, if you are a politician, the chances are you will go for the populist option to bag cheap votes.

An issue is deemed newsworthy, becomes a topic for debate and the call goes up:

“Something must be done.”

Jamie Oliver is the poster boy of the “something must be done” brigade- thanks to his School Dinners show. This weekend, school dinners were in the news again and the story should send a shiver down your spine.

Oliver is a modern day missionary. In the olden days- a missionary would go out to the far flung corners of the earth to show people the Way to the Lord. There was, naturally, no doubt in their minds that their way was right and the non believers were totally wrong and needed saving from themselves. Safe in the knowledge that anyone black or brown was inferior, Europeans were able to carve up the rest of the world. It was their duty to look after these poor imbecilles and save them from themselves. It was vital to impose the values of the British middle classes because they are the chosen ones. It was necessary to nick all their resources because they didn’t know how to use them properly. It was a fact of life that the common people had to be kept down with an iron fist because they didn’t have the sense to make decisions for themselves.

Back to the present. A group of academics from London Metropolitan University mapped the movements of hundreds of school kids over a week to check out what they are eating.

The lowlights of the findings were reported in The Observer on Sunday.

The general theme is: kids hate school dinners and loads of them prefer to get their snap from shops, chippies and cafes. So, three years after the “hugely successful” (The words of The Observer) Jamie Oliver campaign, you could be generous and describe it as complete failure. A less generous commentator may point to the recent statement from the Local Authority Caterers Association, which said that the changes the government were bounced into may mean that hot school dinners will not exist for much longer. Since the Oliver revolution- kids have turned to junk food in unprecedented numbers. In short, the “hugely successful” campaign has achieved the exact opposite effect to the one that was intended. In my dictionary- that looks more like disastrous, catastrophic or “hugely unsuccessful”.

Like they care about what we think. “They” being the people who run stuff. As in the days of the Empire- the political classes have a total contempt for the “little people”. They don’t even have to pretend anymore. As general elections are fought out in marginals in the shires- they need to appeal to men and women in places like Hereford and Worcester. The urban dwellers of places like Rotherham count for nowt.

From start to finish, the Observer article is a classic example of how little we matter.

Headline:

Minister calls for lunchtime lock-in at schools to stop rush for chippie.

“…offering healthy food was not the same as persuading pupils to eat it.
Now that experts have shown just how far children will go to seek out fatty and sugary snacks, ministers will have to turn their attention to the fast-food outlets and supermarkets ringing schools”.
They’re forming a ring round the schools. They’re going to pounce and attck our poor kids. And you know the disgusting crap some supermarkets push.

Something must be done. “Ministers will have to turn their attention” to this because it plays with Hereford and Worcester woman. I mean- it’s not their kids you mean.

So- what’s the big idea. How will do they propose to persuade the pupils? The ever popular “lock ‘em up”.

Children’s minister, Kevin Brennan:

“Some schools have a stay-on-site policy for 11- to 16-year-olds… I’m very strongly supportive of that approach. I would like to see more schools operating some sort of stay-on-site policy because its advantages are shown not just in improved uptake [of healthy school lunches], but also improved behaviour and community relationships.”

Forget education, education, education – it’s always incarceration, incarceration, incarceration. “They” are always right. If we don’t agree- they will wave the stick and force feed us the carrot anally. It’s all for our own good though. It’s like those lucky East Germans who were protected by the anti fascist defence barrier. I love the bit about “improved behaviour and community relationships”. Cleverly plays on the fact that we hate kids in this country. Ask most people if they want kids to be hanging round the shop acting like…kids or banged up on dinnertime lockdown and they’ll plump for the latter.

The Ministry of Food is built on far shakier foundations than the School Dinners project. The objectives are far more ambiguous and the premise of the show is flawed. The show is pitched at ABC1 women. To make sure that he is not offending his core audience- Jamie has set his latest extravaganza in Rotherham. Middle England will watch in horror as they are presented with a hand picked parade of Northern stereotypes. How can these people live like this? Those poor simple natives are heading for belly Hell. Something must be done to make them more like us.

As has been exhaustively explained in previous posts- the “pass it on” strategy has a snowball in Hell’s chance of catching on. The show is merely a form of exploitative entertainment. But what if some no mark politician, desperate for some easy TV coverage gets behind it? In Rotherham, we have Housing Minister Caroline Flint and rentaquote Denis MacShane- two highly likely candidates. If the voters who matter demand action but the natives refuse to take their medicine- where do we go?

As we have seen- after the failure of Jamie’s School Dinners- the Children’s Minister believes the way forward is compulsion. Removing freedom of choice and forcing the plebs to do what their masters say is good for them.

Back to the Future:

What if Jamie Oliver manages to cobble together a show that convinces Middle England that the main cause of obesity is that ordinary folk are too thick and / or lazy to cook? He’ll make his money and move on- but the issue will be out there for media whore politicos to feast on.

A couple of years down the line, when the academics find the situation is the same or worse than it was, what will the opportunists do to milk it? What authoritarian measure will coax the ladies of Hereford and Worcester to the polling booths? 

Compulsory cooking lessons for the overweight? We know they won’t work as the people who would benefit from them will not actively participate- same as they won’t get involved with Ministry of Food. How about replacing benefits with food vouchers? Rationing of foods with high fat and sugar content? ID cards to restrict the number of visits to fast food outlets? Taking away the children of parents who abuse their kids with sausage rolls and egg custards?

This is what can happen when you start presenting serious issues in a format geared towards entertainment. When you present hearsay and speculation as hard facts. When you use people to promote your products at the expense of their dignity.

It’s time for the sun to set on Jamie Oliver Empire.

No Blackmail