Don’t Drink Oil, Don’t Pick Your Arse

Jamie Oliver’s Radio Sheffield Show – 6.00 pm to 7.00pm  10th June 08

“You’re probably as bored as I am about all these things about health”

So uttered the clueless scooterist to kick off. Never a truer word… but there’s product to sell so on with the show.

The whole thing was truly execrable. Jamie gave a very weak explanation of what he is playing at in my town. He repeated his mantra. He was haunted by the images of a Mum passing a bag of chips to her kids. Six months ago, to lay these demons to rest, he came to make his peace with the women of Rotherham. I am uncertain what form this meeting took, but Oliver talked about it with great solemnity. I imagine it was in a grand hall- chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Inspired by this pow wow, he had a great idea. We’ve sorted out schools- let’s get into the homes. This is a career path followed by a number of burglars- only they are more honest about the greed fuelling their plans. And their victims suffer less psychological damage.

Jamie then had a second idea- let’s make a TV show about it. In his words: School Dinners was Star Wars, Ministry is Empire Strikes back. I’d go for a sequel that is more rooted in the exploitation genre personally. Was there a Cannibal Holocaust 2?

 Your suggestions for films that these TV landmarks remind you of are encouraged.

J.O. stated the premise the new series is built on:

Nobody gets taught to cook any more.

Of course that’s true- except everyone does cookery at school. And there are tons of cookery shows on telly every day covering every variety of cuisine and some specialising in ultra simple, fast meals. And most people are brought up in households where someone cooks at least now and then. And even if they aren’t – the vast majority of people know at least one person who they could ask how to boil an egg if they were arsed.

So the reasoning behind the show is sound- unless you think about it for more than one second and realise it is complete nonsense.

The plan is- to build a movement. Jamie will teach a recipe to a small class in Rotherham. They will then pass it on to friends. They do the same until, eventually, everyone in Britain will have been touched by the magic and we will all become healthy overnight. Genius.

Jamie spoke live to Natasha, one of the people who have been going to his start up class.

I’m sure that we all have confidence in Jamie. Many people applied to take part in his experiment. His hand picked group will surely be normal citizens- representative of Rotherham as a whole. The kind of folk I see round the town every day. No way would a man of integrity pull together a bunch who conform to a Northern stereotype imagined in the fantasies of only the most blinkered, Home Counties, Mail on Sunday reader. His production crew wouldn’t be so cruel as to pick people who could be sneered at by a middle class audience. They wouldn’t get people who would be ideal for the kind of reality TV journey that portrays nice working class people as losers and enables them to blossom thanks to the help of a kindly passing toff.

Natasha told Jamie that she lived off a diet of kebabs and takeways seven days a week.

Jamie’s response (remembering he’s in Rotherham)

“There’s probably a lot of people like you at home.”

In four lessons, Jamie has taught Natasha to cook meatballs, pancakes, curry and stir fry. Now, she says her life has been transformed. She sits down at the table to every meal with her two children. A heart warming tale I’m sure you’ll agree.

The phone lines were opened up- and the great South Yorks Public grilled Oliver on the burning issues:

Julie from Mexborough: What can I do with a Jerusalem Artichoke?
Mark from Everton: You are a God!
Andrew from Deepcar: Why don’t you use simple ingredients in your recipes? I can’t get them in my local shop.

Thankfully- Jamie had an answer for Andrew. The Sainsburys sponsored slack jaw advised him to go to a supermarket. You can get everything there you know.

Hopefully, this problem will be addressed in the Bible of the new movement: Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by  Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008 -£25.00 to you squire. Perfect for the Xmas market.

Next week, the show is a cook – along. The irony free zone that is Jamie said he would be making burgers because he wanted to: “go in at street level.”

To give us thickos a dry run, he devoted the second half of the show to making a steak sandwich. It is hard to criticize this segment, as it featured local heroes, The Chuckle Brothers as guests. The CBs kept it real- telling their host they didn’t care for salad as it was “rabbit food.”

One exchange offered a glimmer of hope for the future. J.O. repeated the mantra that no-one is taught to cook in school, so he was taking up the challenge to pass on his culinary knowledge. A CB replied:

“Like we do in Chucklevision.”

Puzzlingly, J.O. appeared to agree. So it looks like there’s going to be some slapstick mixed in with the preaching and tear jerking manipulation. Hopefully, he’ll give Barry and Paul a gig in some kind of clumsy waiter role. Suddenly, I’m interested in the Oliver franchise.

The show climaxed with unbridled excitement. Natasha was called again. Both times she was described as speaking live “at a school in Rotherham”. Whether this vagueness stems from ignorance of the area, or fear of attack from the paramilitary forces rumoured to be mobilising against the project, is unclear.

Golden child Natasha was living proof of the success of the Jamie formula. Only four weeks out of kebab slavery- she had been teaching her own class. Natasha had been demonstrating how to make: (drum roll) A salad. Jamie was on the edge of his seat. Had she pulled it off?

She had.

Wow, amazing. Until you think- how can you mess up pulling a lettuce apart and throwing it in a bowl. Also- how would any of her class know if it was any good? If they were operating at a lower level than Natasha- they may not actually have seen food before. It’s possible they could survive on a diet of Castrol GTX and horse manure. See, nobody’s teaching ‘ em at school like, those poor Norverners.

Everyone had done great said Natasha. She even mentioned that one of the men on the course had:

“…pulled his finger out of his bum.”

Was he looking for a snack? Who knows?

However, the incident must put a question mark next to the teaching methods underpinning Jamie’s Ministry of Food. Four weeks of studying under the grandmaster and some of the chosen few are still fingering their arse in the kitchen.

Jamie played out with the suitably insipid but sinister “Have a Nice Day” by the Stereophonics.

See you next week for the burger cook- a – long

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