Cook-Along Fever

Don’t forget Jamie’s show on BBC Radio Sheffield. Tuesday 17; 6.00-7.00 pm. Our lovely licence lolly is paying for this second hour long plug for Channel 4 and Jamie’s Ministry of Food Ltd (Registered No. 06404982), so we may as well get our get our money’s worth.

No doubt- you’ve been excited about the promised cook-along all week. Oliver is going all out to win us over by showcasing the no nonsense methods that are going to kickstart a revolution in the health of families across Britain.

Count the flaws in the model- they’re going to get bigger as the project grows.

What percentage of the people who listened last week are actually going to cook along? If you are guessing anywhere over one percent, I salute your optimism.

Jamie’s going to keep it real by teaching us how to cook a burger. Last week, he told us to check out the website and pick up the ingredients so we could all get cracking this week. I did – so you don’t need to:

1 large white onion
olive oil
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
50g Jacob’s crackers
8 sprigs of fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 heaped teaspoons Dijon mustard
500g good-quality beef mince
1 large egg, preferably free-range
1 cos or round lettuce
3 tomatoes
1 red onion
3 or 4 gherkins
6 burger buns

How many other people do you reckon bothered looking? Five percent? I’d say less but we’ll aim high. Of that five percent- how many would have gone out of their way to buy these ingredients so they could prepare a burger at precisely 6.30 pm on Tuesday? Anyone still confident about that one percent plus figure?

The list looked pretty big to me- so I checked out how much it would cost you to make Jamie’s burger feast. To keep it fair- I checked on the website of our boy’s fave supermarket:

Sainsbury’s Beef Mince, Be Good To Yourself 440g
£2.79
Sainsbury’s Single Beef Tomato
£0.55 x 3 = 1.65
Sainsbury’s Red Onions x3
£1.29
Sainsbury’s Olive Oil, Extra Virgin 500ml
£2.48
Sainsbury’s Dijon Mustard, 210g
£0.45
Sainsbury’s Flat Leaf Parsley 25g
£0.69
Sainsbury’s Free Range Eggs, Medium x6
£1.36
Sainsbury’s Lettuce, Round
£0.49
Sainsbury’s Pickled Gherkins, in  Vinegar 675g
£0.59
Jacob’s Cream Crackers 300g
£0.64
Sainsbury’s Burger Buns x6
£0.63
Sainsbury’s Onions, Basics   
£0.59

A grand total of £13.66. And remember- that’s just for burgers. We’ve been systematically brainwashed to expect a portion of chips and a glass of pop with a burger meal, plus a movie tie-in toy for the youngsters. In the unlikely event you can get a family who work or go to school to hang on till nearly seven with the promise of a homemade burger- they are not going to be chuffed with nowt but tap water on the side.

For the kind of money you’re talking- you could get a serious takeaway. And you could go there when you wanted. The stated target maket of the project is folks who never cook. At that price you’re going to attract about 0.01 percent of them.

But, you cry- you’ve budgeted for buying bottles of olive oil and six eggs. The people who do this will have these things at home.

Aha, I exclaim- they would. I believe that most British families would be packing this gear. However- this whole project is supposedly aimed at a large group in society who NEVER cook. They would have to be sufficiently inspired by J.O. to fork out a considerable amount of money to do something they have an aversion to. The end product would be something they could get delivered to their house for less expense. And they could have it whenever they wanted.

Nonsense, you interject- they could do this whenever they wanted. This family have to have access to the Internet to have got the recipe (I pass over the fact that many do not have a computer). They can use the listen again facility and do this whenever. Or just copy down the details and do it at their convenience.

Allelujah- I cry. You finally understand. The whole scheme is just another crappy cooking show aimed at snobbish foodies. The whole community involvement thing is a ruse and the people of Rotherham are extras in a deception.

The recipes are out there anyway. Those who want to cook have all the help they need. My licence fee funds www.bbc.co.uk/food , where people have access to thousands of recipes- including 100 video recipes. Anyone flicking through the current issue of Radio Times will see a free food pull out which includes a recipe for burgers by Ainsley Harriott and one for kebabs by Gordon Ramsey.

The School Dinners show was considered a success because it got politicians to change policy. A group of needy knob jockeys who will do anything to get their mugs on telly fell over themselves to press Oliver’s puffy, pale flesh.

People already know what food is good for them. People have developed their eating habits to suit themselves. If they are unhealthy- they have justified to themselves the reasons why they stick with them. You cannot alter the behaviour of people overnight unless you are offering something which is demonstrably superior.

Jamie’s Ministry of Food is a fraud. It is built on a lie and offers solutions which are impractical. The script has already been written. Jamie Oliver will be at the centre of a series of set pieces which will build to a climax. Careful editing and spurious claims will have the viewers in no doubt that the whole thing has been “another triumph”. Easy to claim success when the results are impossible to quantify. The only figures that count are the sales of: Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by  Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008.

The only losers will be the people of Rotherham. Unpaid extras in this squalid exercise. The town held up as a centre of sloth and ignorance. The suckers who show up on TV will be used the worst then left high and dry when the ringmaster returns South.

With every lack lustre appearence in Rotherham- Jamie is convincing more people to stand up and fight back. He is uniting the people under one banner. Jamie Go Home.

Anyone who collaborates is selling us down the river.

No Blackmail