Jamie Hates You: Part One

“I now reckon that 60% of packed lunches are worse than school dinners. The number of kids as young as five with reheated McDonald’s meals and Red Bull [energy drink] in their packed lunches is appalling,”

Jamie Oliver speaking at the Hay-on-Wye book festival.

Our fave chef was on top tosh talking form at the recent toffs’ gathering on the Welsh border. In the bosom of his true constituency- Jamie could speak freely about his contempt for…well, basically, everybody.

When Jamie Oliver strays into the arena of politics- his views have three consistent threads running through them.

A]

They have no factual basis whatsoever.

B]

He has a deep disrespect for ordinary people. This includes all sections of society, but is most evident when he talks about the working class.

C]

Everything he does or says is motivated by self promotion.

Take the example at the top.

“I now reckon that 60% of packed lunches are worse than school dinners.”

In what way? Nutritional value? Calories? Taste? Smell?  Like most Jamie facts (A.K.A. fiction) this is based on…nothing. The 60% is a made up figure. There is no research sample and no criteria of what is good or bad.

Don’t worry- Jamie’s got some killer evidence to back up his claim.

“The number of kids as young as five with reheated McDonald’s meals and Red Bull [energy drink] in their packed lunches is appalling.”

Shocking, disgraceful. These people are scum. Something must be done.

That’s the knee jerk reaction you are supposed to have.

I have spent a lot of time in and around schools, both primary and secondary, in the last five years. In that time, I have got to know many staff, pupils and parents very well. I have never, repeat never, seen or heard of anyone taking a cold McDonalds meal to school as a packed lunch.

I don’t even know what he means by “reheated McDonald’s meals”. Do parents heat them up in the morning then stick them in a rapidly steaming up Tupperware box? Or do these five year olds strut over to the dinner ladies, hand them a Big Mac and fries and say: ”Whack these under the grill for a minute Love while I nip out for a Benson.”

Please tell me. I’m anxious to know.

Oh. You don’t know either. You’ve never heard of this going on. You must have. Apparently- the number of kids eating this kind of lunch is “appalling”.

It is possible (although unlikely) that this kind of thing happens once in a blue moon. We tend to ravenously gobble up anything that confirms our prejudices. When it is spouted by a self appointed authority on the subject- it is lapped up by a trusting audience. 

Oliver was talking to HIS people. The predominantly middle class target audience who buy his books and watch his shows. If there’s one set of people the middle class hate- it’s everybody who is not middle class (And most other middle class people).  Reheated McDonalds and Red Bull in a packed lunch- custom made to get the heads shaking. Repeat it often enough and it becomes the conventional wisdom. Exactly the kind of thing THOSE people do.

We all hear such lies every day. In the press, I have read separate stories about Asylum Seekers kidnapping donkeys to eat and killing swans for food. Neither scoop contained a single corroborating fact. I am constantly getting told about how the DSS give immigrants free cars, mobile phones, designer clothes and hand job vouchers (redeemable at all good Attercliffe venues). Once you’ve established a stereotype- it sticks. It’s the kind of thing THOSE people would do.

The drip, drip, drip of misinformation leads to the call. Something must be done!

Immigrants: Send ‘em back.

People with an imaginary diet invented by Jamie Oliver: Send Jamie Oliver to make an entertainment show and write a book about it. He solved the problem that he invented with school dinners. OK, some studies suggest he actually made things worse- but we enjoyed watching it. Oh how we laughed when those kids didn’t know what a carrot was.

Thanks to a racist political agenda- people of foreign descent are routinely blamed for the ills of the nation. Any immigrant who complains about negative stereotyping is dismissed as a moaner with chip on his shoulder. Thanks to the pocket-lining agenda of a hamster faced tool; Rotherham will be depicted as a town full of McDonalds reheaters. No doubt- acres of follow up newsprint will show us with chips on our shoulders, plates and cold in our kids’ lunchboxes.

People of Rotherham: This is how it feels to be hated by the ruling class.

Ich bin ein Ausländer in meinem eigenen Land

Je suis un étranger dans mon propre pays

No Blackmail

There Are No Second Acts in Rotherham Lives

Jamie Oliver- BBC Radio Sheffield 17th June 2008

“It’ll look good on my C.V. – I cooked with Jamie Oliver”.

The words of DJ Howie Pressman, directly before the second helping of “Jamie Oliver Takes Over Radio Sheffield”. Only if they don’t hear the tapes mate.

[Judge for Yourself at Listen Again]

To be fair to Howie- he was the consummate professional, playing a straight bat as all around him crumbled.

Tonight was the eagerly awaited cook-along. In the words of Uncool J, it was time to make; “Ultimate Burger…kind of on a street culture level.”

Assisting the Naked Chef were Howie, Dave the Producer and Anna. The quartet set about their task.

Dave sounded like a capable fellow. If someone pitched the idea for a radio show: “how about cooking burgers in the car park, in the rain” – Dave would have been pushing them down the stairs before he’d finished saying P-45. Add the words “with Jamie Oliver” and the proposal becomes solid gold. A surefire winner. I’m sure a similar process resulted in Ministry of Food being commissioned.

The show was Carry on Cooking meets complete chaos. Throughout it all- the undoubted star was Anna; a case study in the corrupting influence of celebrity culture.

Anna is an educated, media savvy young woman who is used to being on air. Within an instant of meeting Jamie- she became the world’s most suggestible person. Like most men, I find desperation a very appealing quality in a young woman- but there are limits.

The parent project is built on the lie of teaching people with no experience how to cook. Eager to please,  Anna’s opening gambit was:

”I can’t cook at all.”

Never fear- there’s a celeb in the house:

“[Anna]…put your hand on the chopper.”

It’s like he read her mind. If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

The next few minutes were like a radio message from the Somme- loud bangs, hysterical screams and a dimwit barking orders that made no sense. The three men and a dog at home who had forked out £13.66 on ingredients must have been stumped [if they hadn't already got the method written down in front of them- rendering the whole publicity stunt worthless].

Our hero quizzed Anna, 24, further. What was the height of her cooking ability?

“Beans on toast. Scrambled egg on toast.”

Both were delivered with an uncertain, upward inflection. Am I a bad enough girl for you Mr Jamie? Will you look after me Mr Jamie? Can I be on telly Mr Jamie? If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

After a tune- Jamie was in the studio, presumably leaving his conspirators in the rain. His guests were Jane and Lisa, two of the people staffing his Ministry of Food HQ. The shop is sited in the very centre of Rotherham- facing the architecturally stunning Rotherham Minster across All Saints’ Square. Or, if you have Jamie’s values: “Incredible location-near the big screen.”

Jane and Lisa came off as thoroughly nice women who wanted to help others. They also seem to trust Jamie 100% and think his motives are altruistic. Once again, it was emphasised that the purpose of the exercise was: “passing on the recipes on the website.” Once again, this raises the point- if these easy to follow recipes are already out there and available to the public anyway, what is the point of the Ministry of Food?

Next up, Paul Tingle. Paul is supplying all the food for Jamie’s Ministry of Food and specialises in sourcing organic produce from local farmers. An excellent enterprise and the kind of thing we fully support. Check out his website here. An important point was made:

“The supermarket is not everything.”

Hear, hear. We totally agree. If anything, the supermarkets are the main culprits behind falling standards in the nation’s kitchens. Insidious marketing, substandard products, squeezing the life out of local retailers and producers,robbing communities of essential resources, encouraging car use and perverting shopping patterns. Right on Jamie. We’re right behind you. Local produce from independent traders is the way forward. We salute your stand and will back you to the hilt…

Only this is never going to happen. Jamie Oliver is the face of Sainsburys. Despite the fact that the supermarkets are the polar opposite of everything he appears to champion in his current campaign- you will hear no criticism. When Jamie made a mild jibe against Sainsburys in his lame, healthy chicken show, the speed of the backtracking was phenomenal. [see past hypocrisy] So, he’ll talk the talk to sell his book, then he’ll pop up in the ad break pushing the same old crap.

Unwisely, Paul Chuckle popped up, reminding listeners of last week’s show. The solo Chuckle Brother was passing on the knowledge he picked up from Jamie. He was going to teach, “# 39 in world snooker”, Jimmy Michie how to make a steak sandwich. Even though these were two bona fide superstars- the sense of occasion overcame them. Michie cracked:

“I’ve never eaten a salad in 37 years, but I’ll try it because I’m on a special programme”.

If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

Remember, the ethos of “pass it on” is essential to the success of the Ministry of Food. Michie said he thought he would pass on his knowledge of making a steak sandwich to Steve Davis and Jimmy White. Inspirational.

Back to the real action. Anna was really raising the stakes, portraying herself as a dangerous cross between Keith Moon and Nana Moon.

The last time she made beans on toast- Anna set fire to a napkin.

For lunch, she only had a Milky Way.

Jamie played her like a fish, asking how it had felt having the meat in her hand earlier.

Time for the vital question. Who would the guinea pigs “pass it on” to? Anna was out of control:

“I would say my housemates…but I’m homeless”.

When pressed, Dave said he may possibly “pass it on” to his brother. The main principle of the project looks a dead duck. Even in a showcase media opportunity- two of the participants pretty much admitted they are not going to do it. Who in their right mind would say to someone:

“I know a recipe that involves chucking a few things into a bowl and making them into burgers with your hands. It is designed to be really easy to follow. I could just give it to you, however, I am going to come to your house and go through it step by step because we both know you are crap at cooking. Of course, this obligates you to teach two more people the recipe”.

This is ridiculous.

A desperate Jamie threw back to an outside broadcast at Wath Comprehensive. Claire and Natasha were on hand to help. The pair are veterans of a six week course with the Naked Chef himself. Now, they are at the vanguard of the culinary revolution. The first wave of shock troops that will change the habits of the nation. No doubt they have received strong backing from the production team to make sure everything goes smoothly. Jamie confidently asked Claire how it was all shaping up. Claire did fish pie on Monday:

“but none of my class turned up.”

You couldn’t help but feel sorry for her- but don’t fret. Everything always turns out well in the end in Jamie’s shows. This will probably be a situation where he is shown ranting with frustration about ignorance and stupidity [played in this gripping morality tale by the good people of Rotherham]. He’ll come through it and use his guts and brilliant ideas to give us a happy ending by the time of the closing credits. Even the “idiots” who don’t get it at first will see the error of their ways.

What the Hell is wrong with these people? Why aren’t they making the effort to turn up to a class run by someone who has pretty much the same level of ability in the kitchen as they do? They don’t deserve these recipes- which are readily available for them to use at home,  rendering the “pass it on” classes useless.

In a final, despairing attempt to catch the eye of the Saviour, Anna cut herself with a knife. I’m sure that anything like this will not feature in the series. I mean- it would make great TV, but the idea is not to make people look like idiots. Right?

Back at Wath, the school kids taking part in the cook along were doing really well. Jamie heaped praise on them. The teacher proudly announced that a lot of them were enthusiastic cooks who hoped to attend catering college. So these pupils were keen chefs. The exact opposite of the kind of person the scheme is designed to help.

Throughout the show- participants talked about how “everyone in Rotherham” was excited about the scheme. In my experience, “everyone in Rotherham” is angry about our neighbours being held up to ridicule and manipulated in the name of cynical greed. As things stand at the moment- their truth is the real truth, because they have the deal to broadcast their version to millions. Having said that- four months is a long time in revolutionary politics.

One person was undoubtedly excited. Anna proudly announced that her burger was “Damn Good”. She had been through her own reality TV “journey”. Starting from humble beginnings- she had reached for the stars. After heartache, misery and real blood- her caring mentor had rescued her and put her on the true path. Eventually- she came through. She had reached a life changing moment- she could make a burger. Roll the credits. See you love.

The hapless cooks were all media pro’s. This was a live show on a BBC local radio station. Some of them may regret some of the things they said- but hey ho- it’s part of the job. They can talk better crap tomorow.

If it is your only ever appearance on TV- what happens to you on Jamie’s Ministry of Food may well be the defining event of your life. The thing everyone remembers about you. A problem has to be established- or there is no reason for the show to exist. TV is all about show don’t tell. The power of images. As the problem is – people can’t cook- the TV show must portray people failing. Remember- this is a celeb driven entertainment show. We must see people fail in a way that is entertaining. All of these useless duffers will be from Rotherham. What message is that sending out? There will be a happy ending- no matter how much editing it takes. And the people will be grateful – no matter how much editing it takes. There will be tears- no matter how many onions it takes.

The name of Rotherham will be dragged through the mud [again]. Negative stereotypes will be reinforced. More seriously, the dignity of some of our neighbours will be sacrificed for the sake of Jamie Oliver’s book sales and the titillation of a sneering TV audience. And there will be no chance to answer back.

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously observed: “There are no second acts in American lives”.

Thanks to Jamie’s Ministry of Food- there will be no second acts in some Rotherham lives.

 
No Blackmail

Jamie Wants You- ( If You Are Female and Minted )

Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

It’s all about helping the ordinary people of Rotherham. Inspiring those who don’t cook to get in the kitchen and improve their lives.

Not according to Channel 4.

The station that is going to broadcast the munchkin missionary’s patronisathon has a whole different take on it.

Jamie’s MoF is being touted around for sponsorship. Visit Channel 4 Sales and even the most rose tinted glasses must go a bit cloudy.

The pitch states:

ABC1 Women

In the First World War Britain’s nutrition was in crisis. The government responded by creating a new Ministry of Food.

Jamie Oliver believes we are currently in a similar state of crisis so he’s going to set up his own Ministry of Food. Co-opting his family and friends, he’ll use his home town of Southend (sic) as his base to continue his one man mission to stop good people eating bad food.

Two things leap off the page. Firstly- Southend. Jamie has repeatedly said he was “haunted” by the images of the Rawmarsh mums and this drove him to set up his latest crusade. He has stressed that the Rotherham factor was key- he was desperate to help the townspeople. The lazy editing of the C4 sales site suggests that coming to our town was at best second choice. Draw your own conclusions why this happened. If anyone can think of a positive one- please share it with the group. (We will return to Southendgate in future editions)

The smoking gun is the target audience-

ABC1 Women.

For those unfamiliar with the NRS social classifications:

A-   upper middle class higher managerial, administrative or professional
B -  middle class intermediate managerial, administrative or professional
C1- lower middle class supervisory or clerical, junior managerial, administrative or professional
C2- skilled working class skilled manual workers
D-  working class semi and unskilled manual workers
E-   those at lowest level of subsistence state pensioners or widows (no other earner), casual or lowest grade workers

ABC1 Women: Bit thin on the ground in Rotherham.

Teachers, Council, few banking bods and that’s your lot. C4 don’t seem convinced that this show is going to galvanise the entire nation to change their lives.

ABC1 women are the group in society least likely to change their behaviour on food. They are already signed up. Their income gives them access to the best ingredients. They are educated and are likely to be familiar with the issues and probably have plenty of Jamie product already. They are more than likely to have access to a car which enables them to head off to Cannon Hall or Waitrose or anywhere else they fancy. They are less likely to head for the golden arches when going out for a meal and probably move in circles that don’t find the idea of a dinner party weird and gay.

These are the people who shook their heads in disbelief at Jamie’s School Dinners when poor kids didn’t recognise broccoli. The converted will settle down again as Jamie sells them the same piece of old rope this October. The next day, it will be perfect fodder for a self righteousness session in the All Bar One.

You can judge a man by the company he keeps. Scan down the page for the other “feature shows”, with the same target audience, available for sponsorship and you get the drift.

10 Years Younger

A swish London media type takes a 35 year old woman with saggy tits, puts her in a bikini and parades her: inviting 100 members of the public to guess her age. It is edited so you hear five people saying she looks about 80- reducing her to tears. Playing on the emotional crisis- the subject is cajoled into being butchered by a plastic surgeon. After caking on a ton of make up and dressing her like a 1950s prostitute- the woman is judged by another hundred people. This time- they keep the five who say she looks about 30. After being literally used and abused- she is tossed back into her normal life with no real benefit.

It is almost the same show as Mof. Cruel exploitation of insecurities dressed up as entertainment. Next:

Neil Morrissey’s Perfect Pint

This observational series will follow Neil Morrissey and his close friend and beer chef Richard Fox fulfilling their dream ambition of setting up a brewery and a pub to create and sell the ‘perfect pint’.

AKA: Someone they wouldn’t have minded shagging in the 90s doing something they have no real interest in emulating.

Personal Services Required

With rising numbers of people paying someone to do their domestic duties, the demand for good workers is greater than ever. But finding the right person for the job can be a tricky business. This new four part series will help people to find the domestic staff of their dreams. Each week different families are given the opportunity to road-test potential candidates to work for them.

Like Jamie’s MoF, this is Channel 4 stepping up to the plate on their public service remit. All I hear round Rotherham is what a nightmare it is to find a butler. And as for holding on to a decent ostler- forget about it. Up there with all those vital shows about how to get an acceptable holiday home abroad for less than 400k.

Wife Swap

Could this have been behind the relocation from Southend. A new crop of Lizzie Bardsley’s to cowprod for sport. Surely not. I mean, after all those record ratings and acres of news print- Channel Four wouldn’t want to go fishing around for Northern stereotypes to put on the screen.

The marketing machine is bang on so far. The people getting behind the “pass it on” campaign in Rotherham are bang in the ABC female classification. Floral dresses and good intentions. The idea that this is going to develop beyond the core audience of Jamie disciples is folly.

We’ve been hearing a few wicked whispers about dissent in the ranks already. More on that to follow.

No Blackmail

 

Jamie- You’re Fired

It said on TV last night that 20,000 people applied to take part in The Apprentice.

Begging the question: are that bunch of tossers the best they could find?

Prompting the answer: of course not. The contestants were picked on the basis of who would perform for the camera. In a show based on conflict- we want to see conceited, highly strung divvies with the moral fibre of Dick Dastardly.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be wealthier than us are the bunch of sound bite parroting no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed in manufactured sketches based around flogging ice cream or treasure hunting in Morocco. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into middle management.

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the best saleswoman in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it more OOOMPH! So what? You’re in sales. You showed some game on the show. You reckon it helped you when you were looking for a move. They rib you at the Xmas party- but all you did is price the lobster up wrong. If it gets too annoying- you can always cash in your savings and head abroad. You always fancied it anyway. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Think about the unfortunate Rotherham folks who will participate in Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

The contestants will be picked on the basis of who will perform for the camera. In a show based on incompetence- we want to see simple, ham-fisted divvies who fail miserably before being rescued.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be poorer than us are the bunch of useless no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed messing up simple tasks that we find simple. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into…who cares?

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the worst cook in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it less OOOMPH! So you got caught up in real life version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch. So what? You said that you had eaten only raw lard and Milky Bar sarnies for the last twenty years. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. You live in the same house and work in the same job, but you now know how to do a stir fry (although you had rightly suspected from the off that the process involved a combination of stirring and frying). Your kids get picked on because their Mam was encouraged to cry at certain points of her ‘journey’. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Learning a new skill is difficult. If you are trying to master something that you are totally unfamiliar with- it is going to be frustrating. There are going to be tears. There had better be tears or you ain’t got the gig bitch. And a dying relative will make your ‘journey’ more fun for the viewers too.

Education is a process that requires trust between teacher and pupil. Filming the process purely for entertainment is a betrayal of trust and demeans the whole exercise. The only justification is if the finished product inspires others. How many of the viewing audience are really going to wipe away their salt tears, clench their trembling fists and declare: “If he can make meatballs then, by God, so can I!” I suspect the reality will be less The Helen Keller Story and more Maureen from Driving School meets the Freaky Eaters at a Greek wedding.

Another major reason for the success of The Apprentice is the fact it looks so beautiful. The aerial shots of the City are lush. Capitalism is groovy man. I could just curl up on top of that Gherkin and start closing factories in a snap. We marvel at the world of Sir Alan and understand why they all scramble to grasp his greasy pole.

At ground level- the noise and stink are horrible as you dodge vagrants and vague runts. Sir Alan’s office is really in Brentwood and no boardroom on Earth is lit like that. The Frances woman who answers the phone isn’t a real P.A.. The real life Nick and Margeret live in a small paddling pool like the bald dudes in Minority Report and are represented on the show by replicants. It’s all fantasy, but we buy into it.

The opposite effect is required when telling a story about basic skills adult education. Learning to do a stir fry is not a tale of grand ambition. To create a narrative which will hook your audience, you’ve got to crank up the stakes. If the pay off is learning to stir fry- you’ve got to start your protagonist pretty low down.

That’s why Jamie’s coming to our town. We’re the producers idea of Loserville, UK. When they were looking to squeeze the last droplet of blood out of the caring/sharing franchise: they were looking for the anti City. The place you don’t want to get to. They chose us. The perfect setting for the dashing future knight to ride into and rescue the helpless residents of Damned village.

Don’t expect any shots of leafy Wickersley or the big new houses at Woodlaithes. It’s going to be stray bull terriers and grilled up terraces all the way. How many potential investors do you think will watch Jamie’s Ministry of Food and think-

“That’s exactly the kind of place I want to set up a business in. I can almost smell the dog pooh and self loathing through the telly. Frances- set up a meeting with the Rotherham people.”

We need jobs and services to give the town it’s dignity back. Stay away Jamie.

No Blackmail

Don’t Drink Oil, Don’t Pick Your Arse

Jamie Oliver’s Radio Sheffield Show – 6.00 pm to 7.00pm  10th June 08

“You’re probably as bored as I am about all these things about health”

So uttered the clueless scooterist to kick off. Never a truer word… but there’s product to sell so on with the show.

The whole thing was truly execrable. Jamie gave a very weak explanation of what he is playing at in my town. He repeated his mantra. He was haunted by the images of a Mum passing a bag of chips to her kids. Six months ago, to lay these demons to rest, he came to make his peace with the women of Rotherham. I am uncertain what form this meeting took, but Oliver talked about it with great solemnity. I imagine it was in a grand hall- chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Inspired by this pow wow, he had a great idea. We’ve sorted out schools- let’s get into the homes. This is a career path followed by a number of burglars- only they are more honest about the greed fuelling their plans. And their victims suffer less psychological damage.

Jamie then had a second idea- let’s make a TV show about it. In his words: School Dinners was Star Wars, Ministry is Empire Strikes back. I’d go for a sequel that is more rooted in the exploitation genre personally. Was there a Cannibal Holocaust 2?

 Your suggestions for films that these TV landmarks remind you of are encouraged.

J.O. stated the premise the new series is built on:

Nobody gets taught to cook any more.

Of course that’s true- except everyone does cookery at school. And there are tons of cookery shows on telly every day covering every variety of cuisine and some specialising in ultra simple, fast meals. And most people are brought up in households where someone cooks at least now and then. And even if they aren’t – the vast majority of people know at least one person who they could ask how to boil an egg if they were arsed.

So the reasoning behind the show is sound- unless you think about it for more than one second and realise it is complete nonsense.

The plan is- to build a movement. Jamie will teach a recipe to a small class in Rotherham. They will then pass it on to friends. They do the same until, eventually, everyone in Britain will have been touched by the magic and we will all become healthy overnight. Genius.

Jamie spoke live to Natasha, one of the people who have been going to his start up class.

I’m sure that we all have confidence in Jamie. Many people applied to take part in his experiment. His hand picked group will surely be normal citizens- representative of Rotherham as a whole. The kind of folk I see round the town every day. No way would a man of integrity pull together a bunch who conform to a Northern stereotype imagined in the fantasies of only the most blinkered, Home Counties, Mail on Sunday reader. His production crew wouldn’t be so cruel as to pick people who could be sneered at by a middle class audience. They wouldn’t get people who would be ideal for the kind of reality TV journey that portrays nice working class people as losers and enables them to blossom thanks to the help of a kindly passing toff.

Natasha told Jamie that she lived off a diet of kebabs and takeways seven days a week.

Jamie’s response (remembering he’s in Rotherham)

“There’s probably a lot of people like you at home.”

In four lessons, Jamie has taught Natasha to cook meatballs, pancakes, curry and stir fry. Now, she says her life has been transformed. She sits down at the table to every meal with her two children. A heart warming tale I’m sure you’ll agree.

The phone lines were opened up- and the great South Yorks Public grilled Oliver on the burning issues:

Julie from Mexborough: What can I do with a Jerusalem Artichoke?
Mark from Everton: You are a God!
Andrew from Deepcar: Why don’t you use simple ingredients in your recipes? I can’t get them in my local shop.

Thankfully- Jamie had an answer for Andrew. The Sainsburys sponsored slack jaw advised him to go to a supermarket. You can get everything there you know.

Hopefully, this problem will be addressed in the Bible of the new movement: Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by  Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008 -£25.00 to you squire. Perfect for the Xmas market.

Next week, the show is a cook – along. The irony free zone that is Jamie said he would be making burgers because he wanted to: “go in at street level.”

To give us thickos a dry run, he devoted the second half of the show to making a steak sandwich. It is hard to criticize this segment, as it featured local heroes, The Chuckle Brothers as guests. The CBs kept it real- telling their host they didn’t care for salad as it was “rabbit food.”

One exchange offered a glimmer of hope for the future. J.O. repeated the mantra that no-one is taught to cook in school, so he was taking up the challenge to pass on his culinary knowledge. A CB replied:

“Like we do in Chucklevision.”

Puzzlingly, J.O. appeared to agree. So it looks like there’s going to be some slapstick mixed in with the preaching and tear jerking manipulation. Hopefully, he’ll give Barry and Paul a gig in some kind of clumsy waiter role. Suddenly, I’m interested in the Oliver franchise.

The show climaxed with unbridled excitement. Natasha was called again. Both times she was described as speaking live “at a school in Rotherham”. Whether this vagueness stems from ignorance of the area, or fear of attack from the paramilitary forces rumoured to be mobilising against the project, is unclear.

Golden child Natasha was living proof of the success of the Jamie formula. Only four weeks out of kebab slavery- she had been teaching her own class. Natasha had been demonstrating how to make: (drum roll) A salad. Jamie was on the edge of his seat. Had she pulled it off?

She had.

Wow, amazing. Until you think- how can you mess up pulling a lettuce apart and throwing it in a bowl. Also- how would any of her class know if it was any good? If they were operating at a lower level than Natasha- they may not actually have seen food before. It’s possible they could survive on a diet of Castrol GTX and horse manure. See, nobody’s teaching ‘ em at school like, those poor Norverners.

Everyone had done great said Natasha. She even mentioned that one of the men on the course had:

“…pulled his finger out of his bum.”

Was he looking for a snack? Who knows?

However, the incident must put a question mark next to the teaching methods underpinning Jamie’s Ministry of Food. Four weeks of studying under the grandmaster and some of the chosen few are still fingering their arse in the kitchen.

Jamie played out with the suitably insipid but sinister “Have a Nice Day” by the Stereophonics.

See you next week for the burger cook- a – long

No Blackmail

BBC Radio Sheffield Jamie Day: Part One

Hurrah- Today is Jamie Oliver day on BBC Radio Sheffield.

The local broadcaster is clearing the decks to give the titty lipped kedgeree king enough space to park his ego.

He has an hour of informercial time tonight at 6- but his first port of call was the Toby Foster- Bigger at Breakfast show. Despite being trailed as appearing from 8:30 onwards- our favourite kitchen weasel only managed to put in a ten minute shift. He excused his tardiness with those stock ‘couldn’t be arsed’ metaphors- ‘sat nav’ and ‘traffic on the Parkway’.

Once on air- the clichés kept flowing. He loves coming up to Rotherham- “because of the people”. Oliver emphasised his commitment by telling the listeners it was “worth the three hours of Hell” on the motorway to get here. All of us little people at home were deeply moved that this icon of our age drags himself away, from the glitz of Down South, and puts himself through such an ordeal to help us.

It’s not all one way though. Jamie loves getting out and about because:

“In London- you get caught up in rubbish.”

Yeah- but your rubbish gets commissioned mate. Of course, this is not just a TV show- it’s “a movement.” I’ll leave you to make up your own gags for that one.

Jamie did admit that the issue of people not cooking at home anymore was not Rotherham specific. So why was he here? He says he kept thinking of the Rawmarsh lasses handing chips to their kids and: “It haunted me.” Whichever PR consultant wrote that line for him needs to either get a new career or get out more.

It came up briefly that he’s doing an ad for Sainsburys, pointing out that a family can eat well for a fiver. This campaign can’t possibly be linked to the show he’s embarking on. Can it?

Some good came of Jamie Oliver’s spot. As he rolled up twenty minutes late- some filling was required. A concerned grandparent, Anne, phoned up to complain about the station’s reporting of the government’s ludicrous plan to shut down a list of failing schools if they don’t perform better. Anne spoke from the heart in defence of the much maligned Myers Grove school. She told the listeners why exam results aren’t every thing and how much the staff had gone out of their way to help her grand daughter. She was eloquent and gave an impassioned local slant on a national issue.

Unfortunately, Oliver turned up, so we couldn’t hear more of Anne. I mean, it’s OK to have bit of these lovely, warm Northerners; but when masser’s come all the way from the big house- we’ve got to listen to him. Supermarkets don’t plug themselves you know.

Don’t forget to tune in later- a full hour of Jamie informercial on the BBC.

Jamie Visits the Millers

Jamie the Saviour visited Rotherham United FC on May 3rd to drum up support for his folly

 (See pics and read article from The Stir here)

From the pictures- you will see that the usually chirpy chef was not smiling, as he was roundly booed from all sides. The first impressions are that the people of Rotherham are not buying into his folly.

Editing can be a wonderful thing- so we will have to wait and see what really happened. As we all know- what happens on the final show, and not what we see or are told by people we trust, is the absolute truth.

A footnote: Rotherham United had played at Millmoor for 101 years unbroken until May 3rd.  After Oliver graced the turf- financial troubles meant they have had to leave their spiritual home and move out of Rotherham to the Don Valley stadium in the East End of Sheffield.

I do not buy into evil spirits- but anyone with a  belief in the paranormal should consider the possibility the Naked Chef is cursed. Collaborators should bear this in mind when they are inviting him into their family home to show them how to bake a spud.

No Blackmail

 

 

Jamie Oliver Thinks Your Mam is a Slag

Rotherham is a great place; full of warm, intelligent people. The town has a proud industrial history and a tradition of political radicalism.

You don’t hear much positive about the town these days. Our traditional industries were destroyed in the Thatcher era and the only time we make an impression on the national consciousness – it’s all bad. Rotherham has been held up as the teen pregnancy capital, the place that elects fascists and the home of our most recent star- the junkie Mum who won’t stop using.

The abiding image for most outsiders is dinner hour at Rawmarsh Comp. Mums giving hot food to their kids who weren’t allowed out. Another view- the one held by most of the media- portrayed a bunch of stupid, Northern birds force feeding chips to their no good chav scum offspring.

The media hate fest was inspired by Jamie’s School Dinners.  In the TV show, Jamie Oliver had a half arsed idea to give kids crap food that they wouldn’t eat at school. As he was a celebrity- it was compulsory for everyone to get behind this or you were officially a child abuser of Austrian proportions. The government threw their weight behind the scheme as they were terrified of not looking good for five minutes on the telly. This marriage made in Heaven was sealed with the slightly chubby Jamie and the clinically obese Charles Clarke agreeing that the little people must do as they say to stay healthy. Everyone patted each other on the back as school dinner take up went into freefall and Monster Munch butties became the packed lunch de jour.

The Jamie brand had further success by telling poor people that they shouldn’t eat the protein rich and good for you supermarket chicken. For reasons I can’t get my head round- we were told it is better to kill a creature that is having a great life than one that is miserable.

All the while- the forces of darkness have had the image of Rawmarsh Comp in their minds. The reaction it got in their metropolitan haven. The sight of those poor, wretched, misguided simpletons in their godforsaken post industrial Hell. Let’s dig it back up and make gravy guys.

“Jamie’s Ministry of Food” was born. Oliver’s press for the show states:

“Millions of people up and down the country are really busy, they’re on tight budgets, and no-one has bothered to teach them how to cook. It’s no wonder that the last thing they want to do at the end of the day is cook a meal from scratch. If we can get people in one town cooking, I want to establish a blueprint that can get people cooking across the whole country this year,”

What a great guy. Eh? “Jamie’s Ministry of Food” has set up command HQ in All Saints’ Square. This throwback to the days of persecution and scorn under the banner of missionary work has targeted Rotherham as ground zero in the fight against obesity. Don’t let the stat’s get in the way of a good story guys.

The bubbly Mockney’s words show the mindset he is attacking the problem from.

“No-one has bothered to teach them how to cook”.
“The last thing they want to do is cook a meal from scratch.”

Ignorant, lazy – that’s us is it Jamie? The message is- if he can get the scum in that Northern dump cooking- there may be hope for the rest of us. Basically, if you live in Rotherham, Jamie Oliver says your Mam is a slag.

The problems this town has are poverty, the destruction of communities and abysmal local government. Rotherham has been left behind by developments in other similar towns. The council are more than willing to do anything to distract from their failure- with celeb’ endorsements a favoured ruse. They will bend over to let Jamie enter the same way they did for Dolly Parton and her ludicrous book scheme last year.

I believe that this reality TV show will do nothing to improve the health and well being of the people of Rotherham. Further- I believe that the patronising ethos of the show will damage the reputation of the town even further. I would appeal to people not to collaborate- but realise that the urge to get on the telly is too great for some people.

I will use this blog to point out the hypocrisy and hate on which this show is built. To identify the real issues and the real villains responsible for propping them up. If they think they can get away with kicking Rotherham while it’s down- they’re going to get a nasty blow to the testicles. Not on my watch finger sucker.

You may think I’m wrong. If you do; close your eyes and visualise that lovely Fergie woman helping those poor people in Hull. Then join the fight back.

People of Rotherham Arise

No Blackmail