Jamie- You’re Fired

It said on TV last night that 20,000 people applied to take part in The Apprentice.

Begging the question: are that bunch of tossers the best they could find?

Prompting the answer: of course not. The contestants were picked on the basis of who would perform for the camera. In a show based on conflict- we want to see conceited, highly strung divvies with the moral fibre of Dick Dastardly.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be wealthier than us are the bunch of sound bite parroting no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed in manufactured sketches based around flogging ice cream or treasure hunting in Morocco. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into middle management.

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the best saleswoman in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it more OOOMPH! So what? You’re in sales. You showed some game on the show. You reckon it helped you when you were looking for a move. They rib you at the Xmas party- but all you did is price the lobster up wrong. If it gets too annoying- you can always cash in your savings and head abroad. You always fancied it anyway. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Think about the unfortunate Rotherham folks who will participate in Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

The contestants will be picked on the basis of who will perform for the camera. In a show based on incompetence- we want to see simple, ham-fisted divvies who fail miserably before being rescued.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be poorer than us are the bunch of useless no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed messing up simple tasks that we find simple. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into…who cares?

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the worst cook in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it less OOOMPH! So you got caught up in real life version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch. So what? You said that you had eaten only raw lard and Milky Bar sarnies for the last twenty years. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. You live in the same house and work in the same job, but you now know how to do a stir fry (although you had rightly suspected from the off that the process involved a combination of stirring and frying). Your kids get picked on because their Mam was encouraged to cry at certain points of her ‘journey’. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Learning a new skill is difficult. If you are trying to master something that you are totally unfamiliar with- it is going to be frustrating. There are going to be tears. There had better be tears or you ain’t got the gig bitch. And a dying relative will make your ‘journey’ more fun for the viewers too.

Education is a process that requires trust between teacher and pupil. Filming the process purely for entertainment is a betrayal of trust and demeans the whole exercise. The only justification is if the finished product inspires others. How many of the viewing audience are really going to wipe away their salt tears, clench their trembling fists and declare: “If he can make meatballs then, by God, so can I!” I suspect the reality will be less The Helen Keller Story and more Maureen from Driving School meets the Freaky Eaters at a Greek wedding.

Another major reason for the success of The Apprentice is the fact it looks so beautiful. The aerial shots of the City are lush. Capitalism is groovy man. I could just curl up on top of that Gherkin and start closing factories in a snap. We marvel at the world of Sir Alan and understand why they all scramble to grasp his greasy pole.

At ground level- the noise and stink are horrible as you dodge vagrants and vague runts. Sir Alan’s office is really in Brentwood and no boardroom on Earth is lit like that. The Frances woman who answers the phone isn’t a real P.A.. The real life Nick and Margeret live in a small paddling pool like the bald dudes in Minority Report and are represented on the show by replicants. It’s all fantasy, but we buy into it.

The opposite effect is required when telling a story about basic skills adult education. Learning to do a stir fry is not a tale of grand ambition. To create a narrative which will hook your audience, you’ve got to crank up the stakes. If the pay off is learning to stir fry- you’ve got to start your protagonist pretty low down.

That’s why Jamie’s coming to our town. We’re the producers idea of Loserville, UK. When they were looking to squeeze the last droplet of blood out of the caring/sharing franchise: they were looking for the anti City. The place you don’t want to get to. They chose us. The perfect setting for the dashing future knight to ride into and rescue the helpless residents of Damned village.

Don’t expect any shots of leafy Wickersley or the big new houses at Woodlaithes. It’s going to be stray bull terriers and grilled up terraces all the way. How many potential investors do you think will watch Jamie’s Ministry of Food and think-

“That’s exactly the kind of place I want to set up a business in. I can almost smell the dog pooh and self loathing through the telly. Frances- set up a meeting with the Rotherham people.”

We need jobs and services to give the town it’s dignity back. Stay away Jamie.

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