TV Mind Warp

Television is an incredibly powerful medium.

 

We believe what it tells us unquestioningly because we see it with our own eyes in our own front room.

 

It talks to us when we are leaning back and relaxed. When reading a paper- we know it’s biased and the bullshit detector is ticking away. We trust telly. Telly entertains us at the end of a hard day. Anyway, I saw it with my own eyes.

 

TV documentaries are often put together to make a point. Take “The Poles are Coming”. This was on the BBC as part of the ‘White’ season. A generally well made piece- it looked at the impact of Polish immigration in the town of Peterborough. This being the ultra- liberal BBC, the underlying message was that Polish immigration has had a positive impact on the UK (something I agree with, but that’s irrelevant). The most memorable scene in the film was at the end. A camera was shoved into the face of local lads outside the Jobcentre. When challenged, all agreed with the statement- “There are no jobs because of the Poles nicking them all”. The programme maker then offered the lads minimum wage agricultural jobs. All turned them down and took big gulps from their cans of premium lager.

 

This was a very powerful image. I know this, because I have heard a number of people say:

“People in this country don’t want to work. I saw this thing on telly. All these kids were on about the Poles nicking their jobs- but when he said he could get them a start picking- none of ‘em wanted to know.”

 

Job done. It’s now in the national psyche that we need the Poles. OK- the woolly liberal on the decks may not have meant to fuel the cut benefits and put ‘em in the Army brigade- but they were only white working class kids so he won’t shed too many tears over them

 

If you think about this exercise- you soon realise it has nothing to do with the truth. I could go down to the Jobcentre with a video camera today and offer fifty people minimum wage jobs in the crappiest conditions. If I got three to accept them- I could edit it and make a short piece about how English people are desperate for work, but the immigrants are nicking all the jobs. If I got three Pakistani kids to accept- I could take the piece down a whole other sensationalist alley. Or- I could do what “The Poles are Coming” did. I could just ask the kids with the home made tattoos, fake Burberry caps and open cans of Stella. I mean- that’s what all working class kids are like isn’t it?

 

Two other celeb’s are famous for this kind of thing. The first example is Derren Brown. In his film- The System he exposed the way we can be manipulated as we trust what we see with our own eyes- even when it is a distorted version of reality. Although it was presented as a piece of gimmicky entertainment- The System was one of the most informative pieces of television you’ll ever see. It should be compulsory viewing in all secondary schools.

Watch the clip below- Derren Brown tosses a coin so it comes up heads ten times in a row. He uses the same technique to convince a member of the public that something which is totally impossible is actually happening.

Derren Brown Tossing

 

Watch the whole show if you have time- it’s worth it.
The techniques used by Derren Brown are employed (with less style, honesty and intelligence) by Jamie Oliver.

 

The chubby Duncan out of Blue impersonator will base his Ministry of Food show on a number of Jamie Facts. Jamie Facts are like real facts- except they have no basis in reality and do not stand up to the slightest scrutiny.

 

The Jamie Facts are:

60% of people are incapable of cooking.
The inability to cook is the main reason for the obesity problem in the UK.
Rotherham people are particularly bad examples of the above.
There is nowhere for people to learn to cook if they want to.

 

To set up his show- it is imperative for Jamie Oliver to prove the Jamie Facts. Not only that- he must entertain his audience. The first episode of Ministry of Food is reportedly already in the can.

 

He pulled off the same trick with Jamie’s School Dinners. In that case- he had a far easier sell and a receptive audience. People remember this show as a classic piece of TV- exposing a national scandal.

 

I would suggest you watch the first three minutes of this clip.
Jamie Mugs For the Camera and Makes Working Class Kids Look Bad

 

Not the classic you remember (I’ll give my review of it next time). Just think how easy it would be to present the opposite case with exactly the same kids in exactly the same school.

 

Then think how the people of Rotherham are going to be represented when he sets out to prove his Jamie Facts.

 

No Blackmail

When The Sun Goes Down

If you don’t know your history- you will keep repeating your mistakes.
Even if you do know your history, if you are a politician, the chances are you will go for the populist option to bag cheap votes.

An issue is deemed newsworthy, becomes a topic for debate and the call goes up:

“Something must be done.”

Jamie Oliver is the poster boy of the “something must be done” brigade- thanks to his School Dinners show. This weekend, school dinners were in the news again and the story should send a shiver down your spine.

Oliver is a modern day missionary. In the olden days- a missionary would go out to the far flung corners of the earth to show people the Way to the Lord. There was, naturally, no doubt in their minds that their way was right and the non believers were totally wrong and needed saving from themselves. Safe in the knowledge that anyone black or brown was inferior, Europeans were able to carve up the rest of the world. It was their duty to look after these poor imbecilles and save them from themselves. It was vital to impose the values of the British middle classes because they are the chosen ones. It was necessary to nick all their resources because they didn’t know how to use them properly. It was a fact of life that the common people had to be kept down with an iron fist because they didn’t have the sense to make decisions for themselves.

Back to the present. A group of academics from London Metropolitan University mapped the movements of hundreds of school kids over a week to check out what they are eating.

The lowlights of the findings were reported in The Observer on Sunday.

The general theme is: kids hate school dinners and loads of them prefer to get their snap from shops, chippies and cafes. So, three years after the “hugely successful” (The words of The Observer) Jamie Oliver campaign, you could be generous and describe it as complete failure. A less generous commentator may point to the recent statement from the Local Authority Caterers Association, which said that the changes the government were bounced into may mean that hot school dinners will not exist for much longer. Since the Oliver revolution- kids have turned to junk food in unprecedented numbers. In short, the “hugely successful” campaign has achieved the exact opposite effect to the one that was intended. In my dictionary- that looks more like disastrous, catastrophic or “hugely unsuccessful”.

Like they care about what we think. “They” being the people who run stuff. As in the days of the Empire- the political classes have a total contempt for the “little people”. They don’t even have to pretend anymore. As general elections are fought out in marginals in the shires- they need to appeal to men and women in places like Hereford and Worcester. The urban dwellers of places like Rotherham count for nowt.

From start to finish, the Observer article is a classic example of how little we matter.

Headline:

Minister calls for lunchtime lock-in at schools to stop rush for chippie.

“…offering healthy food was not the same as persuading pupils to eat it.
Now that experts have shown just how far children will go to seek out fatty and sugary snacks, ministers will have to turn their attention to the fast-food outlets and supermarkets ringing schools”.
They’re forming a ring round the schools. They’re going to pounce and attck our poor kids. And you know the disgusting crap some supermarkets push.

Something must be done. “Ministers will have to turn their attention” to this because it plays with Hereford and Worcester woman. I mean- it’s not their kids you mean.

So- what’s the big idea. How will do they propose to persuade the pupils? The ever popular “lock ‘em up”.

Children’s minister, Kevin Brennan:

“Some schools have a stay-on-site policy for 11- to 16-year-olds… I’m very strongly supportive of that approach. I would like to see more schools operating some sort of stay-on-site policy because its advantages are shown not just in improved uptake [of healthy school lunches], but also improved behaviour and community relationships.”

Forget education, education, education – it’s always incarceration, incarceration, incarceration. “They” are always right. If we don’t agree- they will wave the stick and force feed us the carrot anally. It’s all for our own good though. It’s like those lucky East Germans who were protected by the anti fascist defence barrier. I love the bit about “improved behaviour and community relationships”. Cleverly plays on the fact that we hate kids in this country. Ask most people if they want kids to be hanging round the shop acting like…kids or banged up on dinnertime lockdown and they’ll plump for the latter.

The Ministry of Food is built on far shakier foundations than the School Dinners project. The objectives are far more ambiguous and the premise of the show is flawed. The show is pitched at ABC1 women. To make sure that he is not offending his core audience- Jamie has set his latest extravaganza in Rotherham. Middle England will watch in horror as they are presented with a hand picked parade of Northern stereotypes. How can these people live like this? Those poor simple natives are heading for belly Hell. Something must be done to make them more like us.

As has been exhaustively explained in previous posts- the “pass it on” strategy has a snowball in Hell’s chance of catching on. The show is merely a form of exploitative entertainment. But what if some no mark politician, desperate for some easy TV coverage gets behind it? In Rotherham, we have Housing Minister Caroline Flint and rentaquote Denis MacShane- two highly likely candidates. If the voters who matter demand action but the natives refuse to take their medicine- where do we go?

As we have seen- after the failure of Jamie’s School Dinners- the Children’s Minister believes the way forward is compulsion. Removing freedom of choice and forcing the plebs to do what their masters say is good for them.

Back to the Future:

What if Jamie Oliver manages to cobble together a show that convinces Middle England that the main cause of obesity is that ordinary folk are too thick and / or lazy to cook? He’ll make his money and move on- but the issue will be out there for media whore politicos to feast on.

A couple of years down the line, when the academics find the situation is the same or worse than it was, what will the opportunists do to milk it? What authoritarian measure will coax the ladies of Hereford and Worcester to the polling booths? 

Compulsory cooking lessons for the overweight? We know they won’t work as the people who would benefit from them will not actively participate- same as they won’t get involved with Ministry of Food. How about replacing benefits with food vouchers? Rationing of foods with high fat and sugar content? ID cards to restrict the number of visits to fast food outlets? Taking away the children of parents who abuse their kids with sausage rolls and egg custards?

This is what can happen when you start presenting serious issues in a format geared towards entertainment. When you present hearsay and speculation as hard facts. When you use people to promote your products at the expense of their dignity.

It’s time for the sun to set on Jamie Oliver Empire.

No Blackmail

Jamie Hates You: Part One

“I now reckon that 60% of packed lunches are worse than school dinners. The number of kids as young as five with reheated McDonald’s meals and Red Bull [energy drink] in their packed lunches is appalling,”

Jamie Oliver speaking at the Hay-on-Wye book festival.

Our fave chef was on top tosh talking form at the recent toffs’ gathering on the Welsh border. In the bosom of his true constituency- Jamie could speak freely about his contempt for…well, basically, everybody.

When Jamie Oliver strays into the arena of politics- his views have three consistent threads running through them.

A]

They have no factual basis whatsoever.

B]

He has a deep disrespect for ordinary people. This includes all sections of society, but is most evident when he talks about the working class.

C]

Everything he does or says is motivated by self promotion.

Take the example at the top.

“I now reckon that 60% of packed lunches are worse than school dinners.”

In what way? Nutritional value? Calories? Taste? Smell?  Like most Jamie facts (A.K.A. fiction) this is based on…nothing. The 60% is a made up figure. There is no research sample and no criteria of what is good or bad.

Don’t worry- Jamie’s got some killer evidence to back up his claim.

“The number of kids as young as five with reheated McDonald’s meals and Red Bull [energy drink] in their packed lunches is appalling.”

Shocking, disgraceful. These people are scum. Something must be done.

That’s the knee jerk reaction you are supposed to have.

I have spent a lot of time in and around schools, both primary and secondary, in the last five years. In that time, I have got to know many staff, pupils and parents very well. I have never, repeat never, seen or heard of anyone taking a cold McDonalds meal to school as a packed lunch.

I don’t even know what he means by “reheated McDonald’s meals”. Do parents heat them up in the morning then stick them in a rapidly steaming up Tupperware box? Or do these five year olds strut over to the dinner ladies, hand them a Big Mac and fries and say: ”Whack these under the grill for a minute Love while I nip out for a Benson.”

Please tell me. I’m anxious to know.

Oh. You don’t know either. You’ve never heard of this going on. You must have. Apparently- the number of kids eating this kind of lunch is “appalling”.

It is possible (although unlikely) that this kind of thing happens once in a blue moon. We tend to ravenously gobble up anything that confirms our prejudices. When it is spouted by a self appointed authority on the subject- it is lapped up by a trusting audience. 

Oliver was talking to HIS people. The predominantly middle class target audience who buy his books and watch his shows. If there’s one set of people the middle class hate- it’s everybody who is not middle class (And most other middle class people).  Reheated McDonalds and Red Bull in a packed lunch- custom made to get the heads shaking. Repeat it often enough and it becomes the conventional wisdom. Exactly the kind of thing THOSE people do.

We all hear such lies every day. In the press, I have read separate stories about Asylum Seekers kidnapping donkeys to eat and killing swans for food. Neither scoop contained a single corroborating fact. I am constantly getting told about how the DSS give immigrants free cars, mobile phones, designer clothes and hand job vouchers (redeemable at all good Attercliffe venues). Once you’ve established a stereotype- it sticks. It’s the kind of thing THOSE people would do.

The drip, drip, drip of misinformation leads to the call. Something must be done!

Immigrants: Send ‘em back.

People with an imaginary diet invented by Jamie Oliver: Send Jamie Oliver to make an entertainment show and write a book about it. He solved the problem that he invented with school dinners. OK, some studies suggest he actually made things worse- but we enjoyed watching it. Oh how we laughed when those kids didn’t know what a carrot was.

Thanks to a racist political agenda- people of foreign descent are routinely blamed for the ills of the nation. Any immigrant who complains about negative stereotyping is dismissed as a moaner with chip on his shoulder. Thanks to the pocket-lining agenda of a hamster faced tool; Rotherham will be depicted as a town full of McDonalds reheaters. No doubt- acres of follow up newsprint will show us with chips on our shoulders, plates and cold in our kids’ lunchboxes.

People of Rotherham: This is how it feels to be hated by the ruling class.

Ich bin ein Ausländer in meinem eigenen Land

Je suis un étranger dans mon propre pays

No Blackmail

A Call to Arms

Jerry:       

Again with the sweatpants?

George:    

What? I’m comfortable.

Jerry:      

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’

Seinfeld   View Clip

You see a lot of trackie bottoms round Rotherham. From gangs of young lasses with prams to blokes on the sick with walking sticks- they’ve almost become the town centre uniform. Silent, sullen faces screaming: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’

Is it any wonder they think they can take the piss out of us?

How did it come to this?

Rotherham has a lot to be proud of. The coal and steel industries in this area powered the growth of modern Britain. The cannons at Trafalgar, that blasted the way open for British dominance of international trade, were made in Rotherham and the town provided steel for major engineering projects around the world.

Blokes of my late Grandad’s era worked in conditions that we can barely imagine. Laying in darkness on your back, ripping out coal with a pick, knowing full well the whole shaft could collapse at any minute. When you met old miners- they all had bits missing and coughed up stuff that could put a dent in your lino. It wasn’t much better in the steelworks with the unbearable heat and the molten metal sloshing around. All for just enough dosh to survive. This mob sewing Nike footballs in Indonesia these days don’t know they’re born.

Being up against it brought the best out in the people. Throughout the ages- Rotherham folk have stood up for what’s right. The local boys turned out and organised into a rag tag commando unit to defend the town in the Civil War. They held off the mighty Royalist army for two days till they ran out of ammo.

In the 1800s, the Corn Laws fixed the price of wheat and restricted imports. This maintained the old social order; protecting the interests of the landed gentry and pushing up the price of bread for the urban working class. Ebeneezer Elliot, The Corn Law Rhymer, wrote scathing poems that railed against the hated ‘bread laws’. The Masbrough lad’s works became the anthems of the opposition.

Read about Elliot

Uniting to fight against adversity and exploitation built real pride. Real communities. Miners welfares and working mens’ club to provide entertainment and communal gathering areas. The co-op’s; running outlets to cover every need- from your baby clothes to your coffin and burial plot. The unions; wrenching fair wages and decent conditions from the bosses.

1984. The greatest industrial dispute in modern history started at Cortonwood pit (just) in Rotherham. Once again, a hostile invading army came to town and the local people turned out and battled them for two days at Orgreave.

For a year, a whole year, families went without. The women and kids were at the front, supporting their men. They weren’t after more money- they were standing up for their community. For dignity and self respect. For hope; for themselves and their families. These are not figures from ancient history. You still see these people round town everyday.

Rotherham is a doughnut town, suburbs with a big hole in middle. Globalisation and government policy destroyed the pits and steelworks. The world’s most incompetent local authority made the centre look like an out of season seaside resort. Nothing but boarded up windows, charity shops and people shuffling, looking down. A depressing place that there’s no reason to visit.

My Grandad’s generation wore smart suits and limped round town with a swagger. They weren’t rich in financial terms, but they had pride. What they’d been part of meant something. The town centre is now the haven for the industrial working class whose industries have shipped out.

Two generations ago- there were jobs for these people. Real jobs. There are plenty of people doing alright in Rotherham- but they head up the Parkway or the M18 to work (unless they put their snouts in the trough at the offices of the vile junta that is Rotherham Borough Council). Others struggle through with McJobs or short-term, low-end contracts.

Plenty have taken the trackie bottom route and given up. The lack of optimism across the board means many people have let themselves go- including physically. What’s the point in watching your diet if you’re not really that arsed if you wake up tomorrow?

Sure people round here like their naughty treats: pizza and burgers, Mars Bars and Tizer, White Lightning and heroin. However, statistically, Rotherham is not much different to most other post industrial-Northern dumps in terms of health and well being.

Monday 23rd June- sees the official opening of the Jamie’s Ministry of Food HQ in All Saints’ Square. This is an outpost of another invading army that needs to be repelled.

This blog was set to giving a voice to those who oppose this cynical exercise. The intention was to expose the untruths that the programme is built on and to hold the programme makers to account. We also wanted to address the issues facing Rotherham and offer realistic alternative analysis- rather than the self aggrandising gimmicks introduced by Oliver.

That WAS the intention.

The response and support we have received has been unbelievable. The more people learn about Jamie’s Ministry of Food, the more they realise our town is being shafted. Not only that- our spies in the enemy camp suggest that they are in disarray.

WE CAN STOP THIS.

Just think about that for a second. This is our few minutes in the media spotlight. The event that will define our community in the national consciousness.
The plan is: they shoot some footage of collaborators who are willing to “spook it up for da white folks” to get on telly. This is then cobbled together in a way that gives the false impression that Jamie Oliver has started a revolution in cooking which will save the nation. As he rides out of Rotherham to spread the word- the abiding image of our town for the viewer will be a bunch of witless no-marks.

Just imagine if we stopped this show. We have a long history of dissent. Of standing up for ourselves. Instead of doing as we’re told to entertain ABC1 Home Counties women- what if we run this medicine show out of town on a pole?

Which sounds better?

A]

Rotherham; the town where a few dozy twats were taught how to make meatballs.

B]

Rotherham: The town that rediscovered it’s soul. The town that stood up to the celebrity driven, unreality television trash, that shames our so called culture, and said NO.
We are under attack again.

It’s time to burn the sweatpants and stand up for the real Rotherham.

 

No Blackmail

Jamie Wants You- ( If You Are Female and Minted )

Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

It’s all about helping the ordinary people of Rotherham. Inspiring those who don’t cook to get in the kitchen and improve their lives.

Not according to Channel 4.

The station that is going to broadcast the munchkin missionary’s patronisathon has a whole different take on it.

Jamie’s MoF is being touted around for sponsorship. Visit Channel 4 Sales and even the most rose tinted glasses must go a bit cloudy.

The pitch states:

ABC1 Women

In the First World War Britain’s nutrition was in crisis. The government responded by creating a new Ministry of Food.

Jamie Oliver believes we are currently in a similar state of crisis so he’s going to set up his own Ministry of Food. Co-opting his family and friends, he’ll use his home town of Southend (sic) as his base to continue his one man mission to stop good people eating bad food.

Two things leap off the page. Firstly- Southend. Jamie has repeatedly said he was “haunted” by the images of the Rawmarsh mums and this drove him to set up his latest crusade. He has stressed that the Rotherham factor was key- he was desperate to help the townspeople. The lazy editing of the C4 sales site suggests that coming to our town was at best second choice. Draw your own conclusions why this happened. If anyone can think of a positive one- please share it with the group. (We will return to Southendgate in future editions)

The smoking gun is the target audience-

ABC1 Women.

For those unfamiliar with the NRS social classifications:

A-   upper middle class higher managerial, administrative or professional
B -  middle class intermediate managerial, administrative or professional
C1- lower middle class supervisory or clerical, junior managerial, administrative or professional
C2- skilled working class skilled manual workers
D-  working class semi and unskilled manual workers
E-   those at lowest level of subsistence state pensioners or widows (no other earner), casual or lowest grade workers

ABC1 Women: Bit thin on the ground in Rotherham.

Teachers, Council, few banking bods and that’s your lot. C4 don’t seem convinced that this show is going to galvanise the entire nation to change their lives.

ABC1 women are the group in society least likely to change their behaviour on food. They are already signed up. Their income gives them access to the best ingredients. They are educated and are likely to be familiar with the issues and probably have plenty of Jamie product already. They are more than likely to have access to a car which enables them to head off to Cannon Hall or Waitrose or anywhere else they fancy. They are less likely to head for the golden arches when going out for a meal and probably move in circles that don’t find the idea of a dinner party weird and gay.

These are the people who shook their heads in disbelief at Jamie’s School Dinners when poor kids didn’t recognise broccoli. The converted will settle down again as Jamie sells them the same piece of old rope this October. The next day, it will be perfect fodder for a self righteousness session in the All Bar One.

You can judge a man by the company he keeps. Scan down the page for the other “feature shows”, with the same target audience, available for sponsorship and you get the drift.

10 Years Younger

A swish London media type takes a 35 year old woman with saggy tits, puts her in a bikini and parades her: inviting 100 members of the public to guess her age. It is edited so you hear five people saying she looks about 80- reducing her to tears. Playing on the emotional crisis- the subject is cajoled into being butchered by a plastic surgeon. After caking on a ton of make up and dressing her like a 1950s prostitute- the woman is judged by another hundred people. This time- they keep the five who say she looks about 30. After being literally used and abused- she is tossed back into her normal life with no real benefit.

It is almost the same show as Mof. Cruel exploitation of insecurities dressed up as entertainment. Next:

Neil Morrissey’s Perfect Pint

This observational series will follow Neil Morrissey and his close friend and beer chef Richard Fox fulfilling their dream ambition of setting up a brewery and a pub to create and sell the ‘perfect pint’.

AKA: Someone they wouldn’t have minded shagging in the 90s doing something they have no real interest in emulating.

Personal Services Required

With rising numbers of people paying someone to do their domestic duties, the demand for good workers is greater than ever. But finding the right person for the job can be a tricky business. This new four part series will help people to find the domestic staff of their dreams. Each week different families are given the opportunity to road-test potential candidates to work for them.

Like Jamie’s MoF, this is Channel 4 stepping up to the plate on their public service remit. All I hear round Rotherham is what a nightmare it is to find a butler. And as for holding on to a decent ostler- forget about it. Up there with all those vital shows about how to get an acceptable holiday home abroad for less than 400k.

Wife Swap

Could this have been behind the relocation from Southend. A new crop of Lizzie Bardsley’s to cowprod for sport. Surely not. I mean, after all those record ratings and acres of news print- Channel Four wouldn’t want to go fishing around for Northern stereotypes to put on the screen.

The marketing machine is bang on so far. The people getting behind the “pass it on” campaign in Rotherham are bang in the ABC female classification. Floral dresses and good intentions. The idea that this is going to develop beyond the core audience of Jamie disciples is folly.

We’ve been hearing a few wicked whispers about dissent in the ranks already. More on that to follow.

No Blackmail

 

Jamie- You’re Fired

It said on TV last night that 20,000 people applied to take part in The Apprentice.

Begging the question: are that bunch of tossers the best they could find?

Prompting the answer: of course not. The contestants were picked on the basis of who would perform for the camera. In a show based on conflict- we want to see conceited, highly strung divvies with the moral fibre of Dick Dastardly.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be wealthier than us are the bunch of sound bite parroting no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed in manufactured sketches based around flogging ice cream or treasure hunting in Morocco. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into middle management.

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the best saleswoman in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it more OOOMPH! So what? You’re in sales. You showed some game on the show. You reckon it helped you when you were looking for a move. They rib you at the Xmas party- but all you did is price the lobster up wrong. If it gets too annoying- you can always cash in your savings and head abroad. You always fancied it anyway. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Think about the unfortunate Rotherham folks who will participate in Jamie’s Ministry of Food.

The contestants will be picked on the basis of who will perform for the camera. In a show based on incompetence- we want to see simple, ham-fisted divvies who fail miserably before being rescued.

It reassures us that people who are destined to be poorer than us are the bunch of useless no marks we always suspected they must be. How we chuckle as they get ridiculously vexed messing up simple tasks that we find simple. A giddy few weeks before they are fired back into…who cares?

Everyone’s a winner. Sure you made yourself look a twat- but that’s all in the game. You were desperate to be on telly. It’s only natural to get carried away. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. Those bold statements you made to camera about being the worst cook in Europe. You did it a few times, and the Assistant Director kept whispering into your ear to give it less OOOMPH! So you got caught up in real life version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch. So what? You said that you had eaten only raw lard and Milky Bar sarnies for the last twenty years. You had to stand out from the others to get picked in the first place. You live in the same house and work in the same job, but you now know how to do a stir fry (although you had rightly suspected from the off that the process involved a combination of stirring and frying). Your kids get picked on because their Mam was encouraged to cry at certain points of her ‘journey’. You got exploited but, that’s showbiz.

Learning a new skill is difficult. If you are trying to master something that you are totally unfamiliar with- it is going to be frustrating. There are going to be tears. There had better be tears or you ain’t got the gig bitch. And a dying relative will make your ‘journey’ more fun for the viewers too.

Education is a process that requires trust between teacher and pupil. Filming the process purely for entertainment is a betrayal of trust and demeans the whole exercise. The only justification is if the finished product inspires others. How many of the viewing audience are really going to wipe away their salt tears, clench their trembling fists and declare: “If he can make meatballs then, by God, so can I!” I suspect the reality will be less The Helen Keller Story and more Maureen from Driving School meets the Freaky Eaters at a Greek wedding.

Another major reason for the success of The Apprentice is the fact it looks so beautiful. The aerial shots of the City are lush. Capitalism is groovy man. I could just curl up on top of that Gherkin and start closing factories in a snap. We marvel at the world of Sir Alan and understand why they all scramble to grasp his greasy pole.

At ground level- the noise and stink are horrible as you dodge vagrants and vague runts. Sir Alan’s office is really in Brentwood and no boardroom on Earth is lit like that. The Frances woman who answers the phone isn’t a real P.A.. The real life Nick and Margeret live in a small paddling pool like the bald dudes in Minority Report and are represented on the show by replicants. It’s all fantasy, but we buy into it.

The opposite effect is required when telling a story about basic skills adult education. Learning to do a stir fry is not a tale of grand ambition. To create a narrative which will hook your audience, you’ve got to crank up the stakes. If the pay off is learning to stir fry- you’ve got to start your protagonist pretty low down.

That’s why Jamie’s coming to our town. We’re the producers idea of Loserville, UK. When they were looking to squeeze the last droplet of blood out of the caring/sharing franchise: they were looking for the anti City. The place you don’t want to get to. They chose us. The perfect setting for the dashing future knight to ride into and rescue the helpless residents of Damned village.

Don’t expect any shots of leafy Wickersley or the big new houses at Woodlaithes. It’s going to be stray bull terriers and grilled up terraces all the way. How many potential investors do you think will watch Jamie’s Ministry of Food and think-

“That’s exactly the kind of place I want to set up a business in. I can almost smell the dog pooh and self loathing through the telly. Frances- set up a meeting with the Rotherham people.”

We need jobs and services to give the town it’s dignity back. Stay away Jamie.

No Blackmail

Don’t Drink Oil, Don’t Pick Your Arse

Jamie Oliver’s Radio Sheffield Show – 6.00 pm to 7.00pm  10th June 08

“You’re probably as bored as I am about all these things about health”

So uttered the clueless scooterist to kick off. Never a truer word… but there’s product to sell so on with the show.

The whole thing was truly execrable. Jamie gave a very weak explanation of what he is playing at in my town. He repeated his mantra. He was haunted by the images of a Mum passing a bag of chips to her kids. Six months ago, to lay these demons to rest, he came to make his peace with the women of Rotherham. I am uncertain what form this meeting took, but Oliver talked about it with great solemnity. I imagine it was in a grand hall- chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Inspired by this pow wow, he had a great idea. We’ve sorted out schools- let’s get into the homes. This is a career path followed by a number of burglars- only they are more honest about the greed fuelling their plans. And their victims suffer less psychological damage.

Jamie then had a second idea- let’s make a TV show about it. In his words: School Dinners was Star Wars, Ministry is Empire Strikes back. I’d go for a sequel that is more rooted in the exploitation genre personally. Was there a Cannibal Holocaust 2?

 Your suggestions for films that these TV landmarks remind you of are encouraged.

J.O. stated the premise the new series is built on:

Nobody gets taught to cook any more.

Of course that’s true- except everyone does cookery at school. And there are tons of cookery shows on telly every day covering every variety of cuisine and some specialising in ultra simple, fast meals. And most people are brought up in households where someone cooks at least now and then. And even if they aren’t – the vast majority of people know at least one person who they could ask how to boil an egg if they were arsed.

So the reasoning behind the show is sound- unless you think about it for more than one second and realise it is complete nonsense.

The plan is- to build a movement. Jamie will teach a recipe to a small class in Rotherham. They will then pass it on to friends. They do the same until, eventually, everyone in Britain will have been touched by the magic and we will all become healthy overnight. Genius.

Jamie spoke live to Natasha, one of the people who have been going to his start up class.

I’m sure that we all have confidence in Jamie. Many people applied to take part in his experiment. His hand picked group will surely be normal citizens- representative of Rotherham as a whole. The kind of folk I see round the town every day. No way would a man of integrity pull together a bunch who conform to a Northern stereotype imagined in the fantasies of only the most blinkered, Home Counties, Mail on Sunday reader. His production crew wouldn’t be so cruel as to pick people who could be sneered at by a middle class audience. They wouldn’t get people who would be ideal for the kind of reality TV journey that portrays nice working class people as losers and enables them to blossom thanks to the help of a kindly passing toff.

Natasha told Jamie that she lived off a diet of kebabs and takeways seven days a week.

Jamie’s response (remembering he’s in Rotherham)

“There’s probably a lot of people like you at home.”

In four lessons, Jamie has taught Natasha to cook meatballs, pancakes, curry and stir fry. Now, she says her life has been transformed. She sits down at the table to every meal with her two children. A heart warming tale I’m sure you’ll agree.

The phone lines were opened up- and the great South Yorks Public grilled Oliver on the burning issues:

Julie from Mexborough: What can I do with a Jerusalem Artichoke?
Mark from Everton: You are a God!
Andrew from Deepcar: Why don’t you use simple ingredients in your recipes? I can’t get them in my local shop.

Thankfully- Jamie had an answer for Andrew. The Sainsburys sponsored slack jaw advised him to go to a supermarket. You can get everything there you know.

Hopefully, this problem will be addressed in the Bible of the new movement: Jamie’s Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours. To be published by  Michael Joseph Ltd 2nd Oct 2008 -£25.00 to you squire. Perfect for the Xmas market.

Next week, the show is a cook – along. The irony free zone that is Jamie said he would be making burgers because he wanted to: “go in at street level.”

To give us thickos a dry run, he devoted the second half of the show to making a steak sandwich. It is hard to criticize this segment, as it featured local heroes, The Chuckle Brothers as guests. The CBs kept it real- telling their host they didn’t care for salad as it was “rabbit food.”

One exchange offered a glimmer of hope for the future. J.O. repeated the mantra that no-one is taught to cook in school, so he was taking up the challenge to pass on his culinary knowledge. A CB replied:

“Like we do in Chucklevision.”

Puzzlingly, J.O. appeared to agree. So it looks like there’s going to be some slapstick mixed in with the preaching and tear jerking manipulation. Hopefully, he’ll give Barry and Paul a gig in some kind of clumsy waiter role. Suddenly, I’m interested in the Oliver franchise.

The show climaxed with unbridled excitement. Natasha was called again. Both times she was described as speaking live “at a school in Rotherham”. Whether this vagueness stems from ignorance of the area, or fear of attack from the paramilitary forces rumoured to be mobilising against the project, is unclear.

Golden child Natasha was living proof of the success of the Jamie formula. Only four weeks out of kebab slavery- she had been teaching her own class. Natasha had been demonstrating how to make: (drum roll) A salad. Jamie was on the edge of his seat. Had she pulled it off?

She had.

Wow, amazing. Until you think- how can you mess up pulling a lettuce apart and throwing it in a bowl. Also- how would any of her class know if it was any good? If they were operating at a lower level than Natasha- they may not actually have seen food before. It’s possible they could survive on a diet of Castrol GTX and horse manure. See, nobody’s teaching ‘ em at school like, those poor Norverners.

Everyone had done great said Natasha. She even mentioned that one of the men on the course had:

“…pulled his finger out of his bum.”

Was he looking for a snack? Who knows?

However, the incident must put a question mark next to the teaching methods underpinning Jamie’s Ministry of Food. Four weeks of studying under the grandmaster and some of the chosen few are still fingering their arse in the kitchen.

Jamie played out with the suitably insipid but sinister “Have a Nice Day” by the Stereophonics.

See you next week for the burger cook- a – long

No Blackmail

BBC Radio Sheffield Jamie Day: Part One

Hurrah- Today is Jamie Oliver day on BBC Radio Sheffield.

The local broadcaster is clearing the decks to give the titty lipped kedgeree king enough space to park his ego.

He has an hour of informercial time tonight at 6- but his first port of call was the Toby Foster- Bigger at Breakfast show. Despite being trailed as appearing from 8:30 onwards- our favourite kitchen weasel only managed to put in a ten minute shift. He excused his tardiness with those stock ‘couldn’t be arsed’ metaphors- ‘sat nav’ and ‘traffic on the Parkway’.

Once on air- the clichés kept flowing. He loves coming up to Rotherham- “because of the people”. Oliver emphasised his commitment by telling the listeners it was “worth the three hours of Hell” on the motorway to get here. All of us little people at home were deeply moved that this icon of our age drags himself away, from the glitz of Down South, and puts himself through such an ordeal to help us.

It’s not all one way though. Jamie loves getting out and about because:

“In London- you get caught up in rubbish.”

Yeah- but your rubbish gets commissioned mate. Of course, this is not just a TV show- it’s “a movement.” I’ll leave you to make up your own gags for that one.

Jamie did admit that the issue of people not cooking at home anymore was not Rotherham specific. So why was he here? He says he kept thinking of the Rawmarsh lasses handing chips to their kids and: “It haunted me.” Whichever PR consultant wrote that line for him needs to either get a new career or get out more.

It came up briefly that he’s doing an ad for Sainsburys, pointing out that a family can eat well for a fiver. This campaign can’t possibly be linked to the show he’s embarking on. Can it?

Some good came of Jamie Oliver’s spot. As he rolled up twenty minutes late- some filling was required. A concerned grandparent, Anne, phoned up to complain about the station’s reporting of the government’s ludicrous plan to shut down a list of failing schools if they don’t perform better. Anne spoke from the heart in defence of the much maligned Myers Grove school. She told the listeners why exam results aren’t every thing and how much the staff had gone out of their way to help her grand daughter. She was eloquent and gave an impassioned local slant on a national issue.

Unfortunately, Oliver turned up, so we couldn’t hear more of Anne. I mean, it’s OK to have bit of these lovely, warm Northerners; but when masser’s come all the way from the big house- we’ve got to listen to him. Supermarkets don’t plug themselves you know.

Don’t forget to tune in later- a full hour of Jamie informercial on the BBC.

Jamie Visits the Millers

Jamie the Saviour visited Rotherham United FC on May 3rd to drum up support for his folly

 (See pics and read article from The Stir here)

From the pictures- you will see that the usually chirpy chef was not smiling, as he was roundly booed from all sides. The first impressions are that the people of Rotherham are not buying into his folly.

Editing can be a wonderful thing- so we will have to wait and see what really happened. As we all know- what happens on the final show, and not what we see or are told by people we trust, is the absolute truth.

A footnote: Rotherham United had played at Millmoor for 101 years unbroken until May 3rd.  After Oliver graced the turf- financial troubles meant they have had to leave their spiritual home and move out of Rotherham to the Don Valley stadium in the East End of Sheffield.

I do not buy into evil spirits- but anyone with a  belief in the paranormal should consider the possibility the Naked Chef is cursed. Collaborators should bear this in mind when they are inviting him into their family home to show them how to bake a spud.

No Blackmail

 

 

Jamie Oliver Thinks Your Mam is a Slag

Rotherham is a great place; full of warm, intelligent people. The town has a proud industrial history and a tradition of political radicalism.

You don’t hear much positive about the town these days. Our traditional industries were destroyed in the Thatcher era and the only time we make an impression on the national consciousness – it’s all bad. Rotherham has been held up as the teen pregnancy capital, the place that elects fascists and the home of our most recent star- the junkie Mum who won’t stop using.

The abiding image for most outsiders is dinner hour at Rawmarsh Comp. Mums giving hot food to their kids who weren’t allowed out. Another view- the one held by most of the media- portrayed a bunch of stupid, Northern birds force feeding chips to their no good chav scum offspring.

The media hate fest was inspired by Jamie’s School Dinners.  In the TV show, Jamie Oliver had a half arsed idea to give kids crap food that they wouldn’t eat at school. As he was a celebrity- it was compulsory for everyone to get behind this or you were officially a child abuser of Austrian proportions. The government threw their weight behind the scheme as they were terrified of not looking good for five minutes on the telly. This marriage made in Heaven was sealed with the slightly chubby Jamie and the clinically obese Charles Clarke agreeing that the little people must do as they say to stay healthy. Everyone patted each other on the back as school dinner take up went into freefall and Monster Munch butties became the packed lunch de jour.

The Jamie brand had further success by telling poor people that they shouldn’t eat the protein rich and good for you supermarket chicken. For reasons I can’t get my head round- we were told it is better to kill a creature that is having a great life than one that is miserable.

All the while- the forces of darkness have had the image of Rawmarsh Comp in their minds. The reaction it got in their metropolitan haven. The sight of those poor, wretched, misguided simpletons in their godforsaken post industrial Hell. Let’s dig it back up and make gravy guys.

“Jamie’s Ministry of Food” was born. Oliver’s press for the show states:

“Millions of people up and down the country are really busy, they’re on tight budgets, and no-one has bothered to teach them how to cook. It’s no wonder that the last thing they want to do at the end of the day is cook a meal from scratch. If we can get people in one town cooking, I want to establish a blueprint that can get people cooking across the whole country this year,”

What a great guy. Eh? “Jamie’s Ministry of Food” has set up command HQ in All Saints’ Square. This throwback to the days of persecution and scorn under the banner of missionary work has targeted Rotherham as ground zero in the fight against obesity. Don’t let the stat’s get in the way of a good story guys.

The bubbly Mockney’s words show the mindset he is attacking the problem from.

“No-one has bothered to teach them how to cook”.
“The last thing they want to do is cook a meal from scratch.”

Ignorant, lazy – that’s us is it Jamie? The message is- if he can get the scum in that Northern dump cooking- there may be hope for the rest of us. Basically, if you live in Rotherham, Jamie Oliver says your Mam is a slag.

The problems this town has are poverty, the destruction of communities and abysmal local government. Rotherham has been left behind by developments in other similar towns. The council are more than willing to do anything to distract from their failure- with celeb’ endorsements a favoured ruse. They will bend over to let Jamie enter the same way they did for Dolly Parton and her ludicrous book scheme last year.

I believe that this reality TV show will do nothing to improve the health and well being of the people of Rotherham. Further- I believe that the patronising ethos of the show will damage the reputation of the town even further. I would appeal to people not to collaborate- but realise that the urge to get on the telly is too great for some people.

I will use this blog to point out the hypocrisy and hate on which this show is built. To identify the real issues and the real villains responsible for propping them up. If they think they can get away with kicking Rotherham while it’s down- they’re going to get a nasty blow to the testicles. Not on my watch finger sucker.

You may think I’m wrong. If you do; close your eyes and visualise that lovely Fergie woman helping those poor people in Hull. Then join the fight back.

People of Rotherham Arise

No Blackmail