There Are No Second Acts in Rotherham Lives

Jamie Oliver- BBC Radio Sheffield 17th June 2008

“It’ll look good on my C.V. – I cooked with Jamie Oliver”.

The words of DJ Howie Pressman, directly before the second helping of “Jamie Oliver Takes Over Radio Sheffield”. Only if they don’t hear the tapes mate.

[Judge for Yourself at Listen Again]

To be fair to Howie- he was the consummate professional, playing a straight bat as all around him crumbled.

Tonight was the eagerly awaited cook-along. In the words of Uncool J, it was time to make; “Ultimate Burger…kind of on a street culture level.”

Assisting the Naked Chef were Howie, Dave the Producer and Anna. The quartet set about their task.

Dave sounded like a capable fellow. If someone pitched the idea for a radio show: “how about cooking burgers in the car park, in the rain” – Dave would have been pushing them down the stairs before he’d finished saying P-45. Add the words “with Jamie Oliver” and the proposal becomes solid gold. A surefire winner. I’m sure a similar process resulted in Ministry of Food being commissioned.

The show was Carry on Cooking meets complete chaos. Throughout it all- the undoubted star was Anna; a case study in the corrupting influence of celebrity culture.

Anna is an educated, media savvy young woman who is used to being on air. Within an instant of meeting Jamie- she became the world’s most suggestible person. Like most men, I find desperation a very appealing quality in a young woman- but there are limits.

The parent project is built on the lie of teaching people with no experience how to cook. Eager to please,  Anna’s opening gambit was:

”I can’t cook at all.”

Never fear- there’s a celeb in the house:

“[Anna]…put your hand on the chopper.”

It’s like he read her mind. If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

The next few minutes were like a radio message from the Somme- loud bangs, hysterical screams and a dimwit barking orders that made no sense. The three men and a dog at home who had forked out £13.66 on ingredients must have been stumped [if they hadn't already got the method written down in front of them- rendering the whole publicity stunt worthless].

Our hero quizzed Anna, 24, further. What was the height of her cooking ability?

“Beans on toast. Scrambled egg on toast.”

Both were delivered with an uncertain, upward inflection. Am I a bad enough girl for you Mr Jamie? Will you look after me Mr Jamie? Can I be on telly Mr Jamie? If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

After a tune- Jamie was in the studio, presumably leaving his conspirators in the rain. His guests were Jane and Lisa, two of the people staffing his Ministry of Food HQ. The shop is sited in the very centre of Rotherham- facing the architecturally stunning Rotherham Minster across All Saints’ Square. Or, if you have Jamie’s values: “Incredible location-near the big screen.”

Jane and Lisa came off as thoroughly nice women who wanted to help others. They also seem to trust Jamie 100% and think his motives are altruistic. Once again, it was emphasised that the purpose of the exercise was: “passing on the recipes on the website.” Once again, this raises the point- if these easy to follow recipes are already out there and available to the public anyway, what is the point of the Ministry of Food?

Next up, Paul Tingle. Paul is supplying all the food for Jamie’s Ministry of Food and specialises in sourcing organic produce from local farmers. An excellent enterprise and the kind of thing we fully support. Check out his website here. An important point was made:

“The supermarket is not everything.”

Hear, hear. We totally agree. If anything, the supermarkets are the main culprits behind falling standards in the nation’s kitchens. Insidious marketing, substandard products, squeezing the life out of local retailers and producers,robbing communities of essential resources, encouraging car use and perverting shopping patterns. Right on Jamie. We’re right behind you. Local produce from independent traders is the way forward. We salute your stand and will back you to the hilt…

Only this is never going to happen. Jamie Oliver is the face of Sainsburys. Despite the fact that the supermarkets are the polar opposite of everything he appears to champion in his current campaign- you will hear no criticism. When Jamie made a mild jibe against Sainsburys in his lame, healthy chicken show, the speed of the backtracking was phenomenal. [see past hypocrisy] So, he’ll talk the talk to sell his book, then he’ll pop up in the ad break pushing the same old crap.

Unwisely, Paul Chuckle popped up, reminding listeners of last week’s show. The solo Chuckle Brother was passing on the knowledge he picked up from Jamie. He was going to teach, “# 39 in world snooker”, Jimmy Michie how to make a steak sandwich. Even though these were two bona fide superstars- the sense of occasion overcame them. Michie cracked:

“I’ve never eaten a salad in 37 years, but I’ll try it because I’m on a special programme”.

If someone who works in the biz melts like this around Jamie, what chance have us poor civilians got?

Remember, the ethos of “pass it on” is essential to the success of the Ministry of Food. Michie said he thought he would pass on his knowledge of making a steak sandwich to Steve Davis and Jimmy White. Inspirational.

Back to the real action. Anna was really raising the stakes, portraying herself as a dangerous cross between Keith Moon and Nana Moon.

The last time she made beans on toast- Anna set fire to a napkin.

For lunch, she only had a Milky Way.

Jamie played her like a fish, asking how it had felt having the meat in her hand earlier.

Time for the vital question. Who would the guinea pigs “pass it on” to? Anna was out of control:

“I would say my housemates…but I’m homeless”.

When pressed, Dave said he may possibly “pass it on” to his brother. The main principle of the project looks a dead duck. Even in a showcase media opportunity- two of the participants pretty much admitted they are not going to do it. Who in their right mind would say to someone:

“I know a recipe that involves chucking a few things into a bowl and making them into burgers with your hands. It is designed to be really easy to follow. I could just give it to you, however, I am going to come to your house and go through it step by step because we both know you are crap at cooking. Of course, this obligates you to teach two more people the recipe”.

This is ridiculous.

A desperate Jamie threw back to an outside broadcast at Wath Comprehensive. Claire and Natasha were on hand to help. The pair are veterans of a six week course with the Naked Chef himself. Now, they are at the vanguard of the culinary revolution. The first wave of shock troops that will change the habits of the nation. No doubt they have received strong backing from the production team to make sure everything goes smoothly. Jamie confidently asked Claire how it was all shaping up. Claire did fish pie on Monday:

“but none of my class turned up.”

You couldn’t help but feel sorry for her- but don’t fret. Everything always turns out well in the end in Jamie’s shows. This will probably be a situation where he is shown ranting with frustration about ignorance and stupidity [played in this gripping morality tale by the good people of Rotherham]. He’ll come through it and use his guts and brilliant ideas to give us a happy ending by the time of the closing credits. Even the “idiots” who don’t get it at first will see the error of their ways.

What the Hell is wrong with these people? Why aren’t they making the effort to turn up to a class run by someone who has pretty much the same level of ability in the kitchen as they do? They don’t deserve these recipes- which are readily available for them to use at home,  rendering the “pass it on” classes useless.

In a final, despairing attempt to catch the eye of the Saviour, Anna cut herself with a knife. I’m sure that anything like this will not feature in the series. I mean- it would make great TV, but the idea is not to make people look like idiots. Right?

Back at Wath, the school kids taking part in the cook along were doing really well. Jamie heaped praise on them. The teacher proudly announced that a lot of them were enthusiastic cooks who hoped to attend catering college. So these pupils were keen chefs. The exact opposite of the kind of person the scheme is designed to help.

Throughout the show- participants talked about how “everyone in Rotherham” was excited about the scheme. In my experience, “everyone in Rotherham” is angry about our neighbours being held up to ridicule and manipulated in the name of cynical greed. As things stand at the moment- their truth is the real truth, because they have the deal to broadcast their version to millions. Having said that- four months is a long time in revolutionary politics.

One person was undoubtedly excited. Anna proudly announced that her burger was “Damn Good”. She had been through her own reality TV “journey”. Starting from humble beginnings- she had reached for the stars. After heartache, misery and real blood- her caring mentor had rescued her and put her on the true path. Eventually- she came through. She had reached a life changing moment- she could make a burger. Roll the credits. See you love.

The hapless cooks were all media pro’s. This was a live show on a BBC local radio station. Some of them may regret some of the things they said- but hey ho- it’s part of the job. They can talk better crap tomorow.

If it is your only ever appearance on TV- what happens to you on Jamie’s Ministry of Food may well be the defining event of your life. The thing everyone remembers about you. A problem has to be established- or there is no reason for the show to exist. TV is all about show don’t tell. The power of images. As the problem is – people can’t cook- the TV show must portray people failing. Remember- this is a celeb driven entertainment show. We must see people fail in a way that is entertaining. All of these useless duffers will be from Rotherham. What message is that sending out? There will be a happy ending- no matter how much editing it takes. And the people will be grateful – no matter how much editing it takes. There will be tears- no matter how many onions it takes.

The name of Rotherham will be dragged through the mud [again]. Negative stereotypes will be reinforced. More seriously, the dignity of some of our neighbours will be sacrificed for the sake of Jamie Oliver’s book sales and the titillation of a sneering TV audience. And there will be no chance to answer back.

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously observed: “There are no second acts in American lives”.

Thanks to Jamie’s Ministry of Food- there will be no second acts in some Rotherham lives.

 
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