Rotherham’s Kitchen Nightmare

There was a big name chef around our area last week.

He came on a flying visit to shoot an episode of his show: “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.”

Gordon Ramsay was working his brand of magic on The Runaway Girl in Sheffield city centre. The Runaway Girl is a bar/ restaurant that serves as a hang out for Sheffield’s media elite (seriously). I’ve been in there three times for a drink and it’s always been pretty busy. I’ve never eaten there, but the food looked pretty good and the staff were always bang on.

Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares is a show that runs to an exact formula. Ramsay goes to restaurant. Ramsay observes food service for one night. It’s an absolute disaster. Customers complain, staff don’t know what they’re doing. Ramsay identifies the problems and fixes them. The problems are always: the manager is too hands on, the chef is the hero who is not allowed to express himself and the menu is too complicated. The solutions are always: give the chef more space, simplify the menu and use locally sourced ingredients. The relaunch is preceded by an event where Ramsay and the staff don T-shirts, pick up loud hailers and take to the streets.

I don’t think I am spoiling it for anyone by revealing that The Runaway Girl is now renamed Silversmiths. The ‘street’ event took place in the Peace Gardens. What was once a music venue cum café bar is now a full on restaurant specialising in “modern Yorkshire” cuisine.

All fine and dandy. Gordon Ramsey’s show is a piece of entertainment where everyone’s a winner. We know it’s entertainment because it has the name of the star in the title: like Bob’s Full House, Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway and Harry Hill’s TV Burp. You don’t have the name of the star in a serious programme. It’s not Paxo’s Newsnight or Question Time with Dimbleby.

Which brings us to Jamie’s Ministry of Food. Why is there no anti-Ramsay blog?

For a start- it’s what brings them here. Gordon Ramsay was invited by the owner of The Runaway Girl. He identified that his business had problems and asked for the programme maker’s help. The people of Rotherham did not invite Jamie Oliver to our town. We were chosen so he could re run the footage of the Rawmarsh lasses feeding their kids. A nice, cheap and nasty intro to every show and a shoo in with the newspapers. They loved those Northern stereotypes before and they’ll love ‘em again.

The Runaway Girl’s problems will be exaggerated beyond recognition to set up the show for the viewers. There have already been a few series of Kitchen Nightmares- the owners know what they are letting themselves in for. They will be told the food is shit and someone waiting fifteen minutes for bread will be repackaged as a disaster of Titanic proportions.

Rotherham’s alleged problems must also be set up for the viewing audience. To convince the viewers that a real problem exists- they will be shown a hideously exaggerated version of life in our town. Rotherham will be portrayed as a place where everyone lives on a diet of kebabs, chips and Embassy Regal. If we are portrayed as normal- Jamie’s audience will find it hard to believe we need the patronising remedies that he is going to dish out.

No matter what kind of restaurant Ramsay has visited, both in this country and the United States, he has come up with the same answers: simplify the menu and use fresh local produce. These are hard and fast rules of the catering biz and it’s hard to think of any café or restaurant that wouldn’t benefit from them. Ramsay simply plays the role of sweary business consultant.

Ministry of Food has no clear problem to address. The press releases say Jamie: “wants to teach people how to cook in order to beat obesity and related illnesses”, but also waffle on about cooking for the sake of cooking. There are no hard and fast rules for tackling obesity. Personally, I would say encouraging exercise was the best route forward. The “Pass it On” campaign seems ill thought out and frivolous. In an age when you can’t move for websites, cookbooks and TV chefs- the message is clear: anyone who really wants to cook for themselves can already.

Kitchen Nightmares always ends with triumph for Ramsay. The place is packed for the re-launch. Beaming punters testify to the success of the new dishes on offer. The owner is delighted- And why not. The owner of Silversmiths (formerly known as The Runaway Girl) will get one hour of free advertising on Channel 4 (plus the re runs on More 4 etc).  What a deal that is to put to any small business:

We will broadcast hours of free publicity that ends with us saying that your business is now absolutely fantastic. Bookings and profits will go through the roof. In exchange, you must let a bloke with a funny chin call you a wanker a a couple of times.

Silversmiths is already booming off the back of the local word of mouth publicity. Once the show airs- the only nightmare will be trying to get a table there. It’s win / win for all involved. As we all know it will turn out OK in the end- it gives us licence to laugh at the hapless fools we are shown in the first half of the show.  

Ministry of Food will end as triumph for Jamie Oliver. It is the only satisfactory conclusion for a star driven entertainment show. Jamie can choose whatever outcome he wants to highlight as there are no tangible measures of success. No balance sheets or order books. One area he is pushing is registrations on the website- something that in no way proves people are eating healthily or “passing it on”. Another is visits to the HQ in All Saints Square. A free activity open to anyone with a nosey nature and no interest in cooking. The favourite is the progress of his specially selected cooking class. The hand picked few who will be used to define the low level of cooking skills in Rotherham. Their heavily edited incompetence will be most people’s abiding memory of the show. Those who stuck it out were rewarded with a party at the Aston Hall last week. No doubt, there were tears of thanks as they were encouraged to recall how useless they were before St Jamie showed them how to boil rice. This will make the viewers feel OK about how much they laughed at them earlier in the early episodes.

So there’s the big difference. Feature on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and you get a huge boost to your business. Feature on Jamie’s Ministry of Food- you get a recipe book and a photo with Jamie in return for being the poster boy of sloth and greed. For the town of Rotherham as whole – the effect will be the polar opposite of the Ramsay show. In the UK psyche, we will have been (unfairly) identified as a national leader in obesity, stupidity and laziness. How is that going to affect inward investment and job creation. Hours of advertising that say: Rotherham is a joke. Now that’s what I call a nightmare.

 

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