Episode One

Let’s start by dealing with the elephant in the room.

 

Obesity, obesity, obesity: the keyword that has headed up all the pre publicity.

 

Jamie’s “non cooks” are not obese. The girls are slim; the men run the gamut from skinny to Adonnis.

 

Those who are put forward as cooking role models are all carrying a bit of timber.

 

Without the voice over- the whole thing would be confusing. If you were deaf and wanting a hot, holiday body- you would be out buying Maltesers, cheesy chips and 20 Bensons.

 

From the top, we are introduced to the idea of Jamie conducting biz from his Range Rover. This gives the whole thing a lord of the manor / toff on safari vibe. Jamie’s going to see people in a different area- but we’ll remember he is better than them. Many London school run mums will be familiar with this concept.

 

When introduced to Rotherham- the viewer is shown three massively obese people walking around. Once that’s implanted in your head- we can move on.

 

We’re told that Jamie is coming “without a clue” about how to get the town cooking. Wow- hasn’t he done well then. In just a few months- he’s managed to come up with the idea for his Pass it On social networking site, he knocked up that new cookbook- just in time for it to come out this week ready for Christmas.

 

Most amazingly- he came up with the idea for the Ministry of Food. We saw him come up with the idea and the name before our very eyes. What is even more amazing is- the private company Jamie’s Ministry of Food Ltd (Registered No. 06404982) was incorporated on October 22nd 2007. Simple explanation. Jamie was inspired by the people of Rotherham, got in his DeLorean with the Doc and went back to the future. It must be true- as we were told at the beginning of the show that he came to town without a clue what to do.

 

He goes to see Julie Critchlow- mysteriously dressed in her best clothes and being very pleasant to someone who has made her life a misery. Almost like she’s at a job interview. What did those researchers promise her to get her onside? Jamie tells her he uses the word scrubber a lot- more proof of his time travelling as no-one else has used the term for 30 years.

 

Jamie says he likes Julie because she calls a spade a spade.

 

“If we can get her on board- that’s really powerful.”

 

Why?

 

“With one woman nearly convinced that the junk should be binned- Jamie has just 249,999 to go”

 

So every single person in Rotherham is a slob who lives on junk food?

 

We are then told that “just 300 of the town’s people apply” to be taught to cook from scratch.

 

Just? 300 is wads- especially when the ad is specifically pitched at moron level and includes the line

“Channel 4 are making a major new television series.”

Doesn’t it occur to the programme makers that the number of people who can’t cook isn’t that big?

 

Doesn’t it occur to the programme makers that not everyone is desperate to be on TV?

We are then told that Jamie goes round to visit some of his elite 8 cooking class. We only see him meet people who live on benefits and have takeaway food in the house. Odd that isn’t it.

Gives Jamie the chance to rant in the Range Rover.

JAMIE:  I’m going to make a difference to these people’s lives. I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

If I don’t do it- I should fucking retire.

 

If Jamie’s a man of his word- I assume he has his feet up right now as he wistfully fingers his gold pocket watch. Those of us who live in the town know that the “movement” has had little or no effect on 99% of Rotherham people. That ending probably won’t play well with the Jamie fans though- so we look forward to something more upbeat.

 

We were then introduced to the eight who got through the extensive vetting process to be Jamie’s stooges. They were asked to introduce themselves “in the style of Alcoholics Anonymous.” Seriously.

We met people from Doncaster, Barnsley, Goldthorpe and the past. Next week- the star is from Armthorpe. So much for teaching Rotherham to cook.

“Next morning…. Jamie pops by to see Natasha, who is at her boyfriend’s café.”

If that line does not cast doubts on the integrity of the series- What does?

Ponder on that throwaway line for a minute.

Who does she know who could teach her how to cook if she wanted to?

Where could she get a meal other than the take away?

Does she know anyone who may sometimes visit a food retailer / wholesaler in a motor vehicle?

And she is surprisingly confident when cooking in front of a camera crew- to say it’s the first time she has EVER cooked.

 

Jamie is at home in Essex, trying to remember the plan he had in October 2007- before he lost all memory of it and set off to Rotherham to learn from the little people.

 

“I do all the cooking at home.”

Tragic thing memory loss. He has forgotten the interview his wife gave to the Mail when promoting her new book:

“During the working week Jamie and Jools lead almost separate lives as they each pursue their jobs – Jamie frantically keeping his various business interests going in 12-hour days, while Jools looks after the children and the house.
‘Maybe one evening every two weeks Jamie comes home and we eat together. I’m used to it now and it’s fine.”

 

Over half a lager and shit guitar music- he comes up with Pass it On. He draws a shit diagram to illustrate his shit idea. He goes to see Julie Critchlow to tell her his shit idea. He explains it to her. She explains:

“They’ll not do it. They will while you’re there- sucking up to you.”

At last some sense. Unfortunately- there is then a sly cut by the editor. The subject changes to affordability and the suggestion is that that is the problem- when it clearly isn’t. The problem is the shit idea- even if it all came free.

With the hump- the spoiled little lad lists all the ills of modern society and asks (in his Range Rover of course).

“Why can’t a few little lessons solve that?”

Because this is the real world perhaps?

In a café- Jamie then cast himself as a visionary and seriously relates his half baked idea for a TV series to the development of air travel and space exploration. He really did.

He takes the opportunity of visiting someone’s home to tell the camera that he will write his recipes in a simpler form from now on to help non foodies. He got this idea from the people of Rotherham. Hasn’t he done well to complete the Ministry of Food book in the new style so fast to get it in the shops in time for Xmas. It’s almost a miracle.

 

Jamie has another new idea- a shop in town. He is incredibly uncomfortable when he is confronted by normal people.

Next- he gets his class into Rawmarsh school, to make sure those fence images are back to the front of our minds. He then has a brilliant idea. The Ministry of Food. How lucky that he incorporated a company of that name last year.

 

His stooges perform for the crowd, wear embarrassing T-shirts that testify to the positive effect he has had on them.  Basically- I was a wanker till jamie showed me the light. They cry and denounce their former ways. The crisps and choc of life BJ (Before Jamie).

 

Jamie goes round to visit Natasha- she’s in a mess. She is living proof that learning how to cook does not solve all your problems. The chef (estimated worth £25 million) tells the lass who has just flogged her rings that he cares about her and wants to help. 

 

She sparks up a fag. Even from up here, you can hear disgusted of Tunbridge Wells: “How can she afford to smoke on benefits? Blah blah blah. ”

Jamie is patronising:

“I know in the most unpatronising way I am enriching her life.”

Then honest:

“In three months time, when I drive back for the last time from Rotherham…”

 

At least he’s not pretending these extras are his real mates. Three months- book out- honk in the pocket, see ya suckers.

A blow. None of the people who are being featured in the TV show have Passed it On. Surely this proves that the campaign is fatally flawed.

 

Never mind- we all know he turns it round. Well he doesn’t really- but once he spins the Magna event, the webcast and the living Sainsburys ad in All Saints Square- we’ll get that impression.

 

The last ad break featured: Bradford and Bingley- Your Dreams Can Find a Home.
Was this a subversive act by Channel 4.  A poorly thought out strategy being bailed out by the public purse. Hasn’t enough of my council tax been poured into this folly already?

This was followed by Activia (Helps improve your digestion), Smoke alarms (Don’t burn down the kitchen you soft bastards) and……

Well of course – Sainsburys.

 

Let me know when they say something positive about Rotherham. We’re not going to have to wait until the end when Jamie has saved us are we?